He Lied

He lied

(This is something my youngest wrote about his feelings about his dad’s suicide and how he felt after it happened.  I’m typing it as he did without punctuation except for a few commas.  I took his name out as it’s a way I’ve protected my boys.  So, where it says “Son” it was originally his name.  I’ve heard him talk about his dad a lot over the years and, lately, he’s pretty angry.  He was deeply affected by his choice to die.  He feels he lied to him, saying he’d always be there for them, then he made the choice not to be.)

He Lied


I made it, I made it

But where is he

I really thought he’d always be with me

But then again he’s gone, but then again I’m wrong

He was always there for the highs and lows

But now I ONLY feel the lows

I thought dads were supposed to stay

But MY dad went away


That fateful morning when it came

It was my birthday in 19 days

But then I saw my mom talking on the phone

With her friend, she said she felt alone

She was crying

I said mom what is wrong

She sat down the phone and said come here

I said where’s dad

She said not here

For a moment I didn’t know what to say

I asked what happened

He died

I asked how

He lied

Now everyday I look at my wall

And I always hear that wonderful call

Son I’m home.

~ Joanna Lynn (for my youngest)

10 thoughts on “He lied

  1. Suicide: an equal opportunity destroyer. May you and your son find peace to see beyond this. Dad’s suicide does not define either of you. You had purpose long before that ever happened. It’s taken me years to learn that after MY dad killed himself.

    You’ll get through this … don’t forget that.

  2. Thanks. It’s been seven years, but it still has it’s moments. He’s at a point he hates his dad, I’m sure that will change at some point.

  3. Yeah. I was proud of him for writing it. He really does not like his dad at all right now. He’s said he hates them, but I won’t allow him to say it. I told him that the Bible even tells us not to hate. Hate consumes you.

  4. Teenage years could be very difficult and confusing. I pray that they will eventually have forgiveness and be at peace with what happened. It’s really tough. I admire your resilience, Joanna. <3

  5. Thanks. My youngest was affected much more by their dad’s death than my oldest. My oldest has aspects of Asperger’s, so he thought more logically about his death, after about a week, he said he realized he was gone and there was nothing he could do about it and moved on. My youngest is more emotionally driven.

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