My husband’s suicide changed my life and I lost so many things. Fortunately, many of these things already have or will eventually return, but the night he chose to die I lost one of the most important things in my life – I lost music for a very long time. I love so many types of songs and it elicits a multitude of emotions and memories. Music was, and still is, a link to my soul, so to not have it freely was extremely hard.
The Songs I Love
The songs that grab hold of me are the ones that speak into my life (or they make me happy with a spark every time I hear them – these songs usually have great drums or beautiful piano). Many of the songs I love are about being brave, standing and speaking up, being loved and hope. I am the type of person that holds on to songs. I know many people simply keep moving with what is new and now. That’s not me. Don’t get me wrong, I love new songs too, if they capture my attention, but I also still listen to songs I enjoyed when I was a kid and throughout my life. Andy Gibb was my heart throb, so, yes, his songs are on my phone (and I still understand why I found him so hot), but you can also find new songs and ones my sons listen. I have come to know a lot of Broadway, because my oldest is a theater geek.
After my husband died, I lost music for five years. I still listened to it some but I could no longer sing with it like I love to do (my kids say if I really like a song, I’m way too loud!) For those five years, when I did sing, the sadness deepened to a point it hurt. I felt stuck because I wanted to hear the music but it hurt too much to not be able to experience it. I’ve realized that since I have been struggling over the last month or so, I am losing the music again. I’m trying very hard to not let this happen, but it’s a chore. What’s strange is that when this happens, the same music that has always built me up and given me joy, in these times of pain and struggle, exhaust me. I’ve been trying to sing to songs throughout my day, but the sadness is so deep and painful that it hurts to the point that it feels like it is cutting.
Some Music Is Lost Forever
Equally hard for me is to know that some of the songs I deeply loved have been lost to me forever. I’ve mentioned before that my husband said he was singing Amazing Grace as he wrote his suicide note. I knew he must have been listening to Chris Tomlin’s song, Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) on K-Love because it was a new song then. I loved that song. I still love it, but it no longer brings me joy like it used to. I doubt it ever will because, when I hear this song now, I am transported back to that night. In my mind, I am immediately at the scene with my husband moments before, during and after his suicide. The song instantly brings pain, sorrow and grief.
The fact is, I made an entire playlist for the visitation time before and after his funeral and, in some way, I lost all of those songs. I really liked all of them on the playlist but, in making it for the funeral, I made a memory reel that takes me to that time in my life every single time I hear any of the songs. I hate having these triggers, but, more so, losing these songs. I’m not sure how to redeem them, or if it’s even possible, but their loss is yet another change in my life because of his choice to die. Is there a way to redeem a song once it has been associated with something so sad? I really don’t think so.
I lost music that horrible day along with what I knew my life to be at the time. I’m interested, have you lost anything forever to a rough memory?
~ Joanna Lynn