Love Hurts

Love Hurts

Love Hurts

I cried almost the entire time (a three-hour trip) to pick up my oldest for Fall break (on October 6th). I was flooded with memories that reminded me just how much I want to be loved. I want to know what it feels like to be cherished, especially since it’s something spouses vow to do in the traditional marriage ceremony. It was something I vowed and hoped for in my marriage. To cherish means to care for tenderly. Unfortunately, that’s not what I would describe human love as at all. Love hurts. In my experience, love can be downright excruciating.

(Cue the Nazareth song, Love Hurts – “Love hurts. Love scars. Love wounds and marks…”)

I Still Love Him

I realized on my drive, while listening to the music on my phone, that I still love my husband. That makes me feel beyond stupid. It also makes me angry. After the abuse and infidelity, the last thing I want to do is love this man. I honestly don’t want him to have any pull on my life at all. I know that’s not an option and I know that’s not realistic. But to still hold such love for him is very upsetting. I thought about it a lot during the drive. I honestly can’t describe the love. I don’t understand it. I felt so deeply how I wish he had made different choices. I hurt for him and wanted something so much more for him. To me, that sounds like love.

I wouldn’t label it as romantic love. Things had gotten so rough in the last years of our marriage that I don’t think romantic love would have been possible. I’m not sure how much romantic love there had been in our relationship at all. He was what I considered my best friend and I couldn’t imagine the thought of his not being in my life. He had been a part of my life since I was a sophomore in high school. He was a fixture in my life and we had so many great times.

I knew by the time I arrived in Evansville, that I loved my best friend and, as life progressed and his addictions started to appear and take over, I chose and kept choosing to love him throughout our life together. The songs that played during the trip were huge in helping make this clear to me. One of the songs that played was a song I hadn’t heard in years. It was the song I played during my husband’s funeral that expressed my RAW emotions. It is a song by Michael W. Smith called “In My Arms Again”. Here are the words to the chorus:

I really want to see you
I really want to touch you
If only I could hold you in my arms again
I really want to reach you
Forever to be with you
If only I could hold you in my arms again

Hearing these words being sung again filled me with the knowledge that what confuses and kills me is that mixed in with all the horrible jumble of hurt and emotions from abuse is love.

I’m not happy about it.

True Love

Love HurtsI wish I knew what it felt like to be truly, deeply loved by someone – cherished. I know that I am loved so deeply by God. I know His love is perfect. When I have voiced the desire to be loved, I’ve often been told that God loves me and that is what is important. The people telling me this are completely right. Human love is filled with flaws, but God’s love is not. I know this without a doubt and will tell you boldly that His love is why I am alive and functioning today. Without His love, I would have seen very few reasons to keep moving forward.

But, honestly, this knowledge doesn’t fully make the desire to know and feel human love any less. I don’t know if that is right or wrong, but I know God understands fully what I’m feeling and why. I want to be loved here on earth, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have a romantic relationship again to experience that kind of love. I’m not even sure I would want one. I don’t know if I could handle going through another relationship that was anything like the one I had.

Love hurts, but I wish it didn’t.

~ Joanna Lynn

I'd love to hear from you.