New Life

Alone In a Dark Hallway

I had a dream the other night. It was a bad one, but I actually got the meaning behind it. I, fortunately, don’t remember all of it, but I remember the part that struck a chord inside me. In the dream, I was in a hospital having some tests run. I felt something moving in my stomach and I was asked if I could be pregnant. I told them that I definitely couldn’t be. So, they ran some tests and then took me to a holding room.  One nurse told me that I had told her there was no chance, but the results said otherwise. I tried to ask her what she meant, but she just kept giving me weird answers and then she would disappear.

I knew I had to be pregnant, even though it wasn’t possible, because I felt the baby’s foot moving around. I realized that I really wanted to be having a baby. The feeling was so strong, but I couldn’t get anyone to tell me what the tests showed. They all just kept telling me about issues with my life that wouldn’t allow for this to happen, how I couldn’t do certain things and even about how I was stuck where I was and change was not allowed.

I kept getting moved to different places, finally ending up in a hallway where the lights were fully dimmed and everyone went home but me. I was alone in the hall, on a gurney, and no one picked me up. It was a horrible feeling and, even though I knew I was pregnant, all I had heard was how it couldn’t or shouldn’t be done…I was alone… and no one cared.

New Life

I remember the intense feeling of wanting so much to have a baby that even when I first woke up, it was still there. Then I really woke up!!! My immediate thought was, ‘Are you crazy? I don’t want a baby!!!’ (And, just for the record…been there, done that…love them to death, but starting over with a baby at this point in my life is not on my bucket list).

But then I realized what it all meant – I want new life. That doesn’t means that I want A new life, but that I want to live differently.  I want more from and for my life.  I want to fully experience life and believe that there is a future for me.

Honestly, though, I want more than to experience life fully.  I want to leave a legacy.  I’m not talking about being famous or even having my name remembered.  I want people to know there are so many possibilities and experiences to be had in life as long as they don’t let fear or what others say keep them from stepping into what waits for them.

I don’t want to be remembered as someone who lived through abuse and survived a husband’s horrible accident and, years later, his suicide with all that was discovered later. I want my life to represent the hope that exists through it all. I want people to know everyone matters and they are never alone. I want them to know God is their biggest fan and there is always hope, faith and promise.

I want to speak and write into the lives of others, focusing, to a degree, on those who have been abused or bullied and help them know who they really are…beautifully and wonderfully made with talents and gifts to share with others.  New life is available to anyone and everyone.

In the end, when someone happens to see my birth and death dates, I want the focus to be on the dash in the middle and the blank after the date of my death, because those are the times that matter.

~ Joanna Lynn