I am on a journey I’d rather not be taking. I wrote about the nightmares I was having during my Weekend Coffee Share post (Outback and Nightmares). This is a journey I am still on. Even though I’ve not had to get up the past couple days at 5:45 am, I am completely wiped out. I know I am withdrawing from people and walking through my days like a robot, trying to stay as involved as I can. The pain and hurt these nightmares are bringing up are overwhelming.
These dreams are killing me. When I saw my counselor today, I felt like I could burst into tears and lose it completely at any time, but, of course, I have too many protections built up to actually let that happen. Tears still escaped and, unfortunately, it just had to happen five minutes before the end of the session. That seems to be par for the current course.
The part about this that is bothering me the most is that I now have second thoughts as to where I am in healing. The nightmares I’m having are so similar to what they were right after the one I loved died. As I was talking about them and where I am emotionally, I realized I am no further along in healing at the core of the pain. I’d convinced myself I completely understood that the abusive behavior toward me had nothing to do with me and was really the abusers’ issues. I’d convinced myself that I understood I was worth love and of great value.
But, honestly, at the core of it, knowing it all came from their issues doesn’t make any difference to my heart. That knowledge doesn’t make the pain any less painful and it, evidently, hasn’t brought healing. Being treated like crap so my husband could go date other people and not have me bother them while also having others making sure I knew I was nothing of consequence HURTS. I understand it was my husband’s addiction he was feeding, but I can’t take that knowledge and say, “It’s all better! My pain and hurt are all gone and I don’t feel them anymore because what he did to me and how he treated me had nothing to do with me. It was all about him.” The nightmares have made it abundantly clear, the pain is still as raw.
I still feel alone, unloved, unlovable and unworthy. I know I have people who love, support and speak into my life. I do. But, I’m still that little girl, bride and young woman who just wants to be loved and protected, but knows it’s not something that is likely to happen based on my history.
I am left wondering if I’m ever going to get past this pain. Is this my normal now? When I was a kid and married, my regular nightmares were about being chased off a cliff or by a guy with a knife. From talking to others and reading, it seems this is somewhat of a common dream for those who are in abusive situations. That made me feel at least a bit normal. But if these are the dreams I’m going to live with from here on out, I don’t think I can handle it.
This isn’t living.
~ Joanna Lynn
I’m not “liking” your post for the pain you are in. I clicked “like” as a way of showing you support… You are in my prayers. I’m sorry you are on this very broken path that will take quite some time for healing. I am convinced time cannot make a pain of loss, nor a pain of abuse, to somehow “disappear;” yet, it does have a way of helping us tolerate and learn to keep living beyond it. As you share your story, keep surrounding yourself with those who support, and seeking professional assistance through this storm, you will grow stronger. You will survive. You will breathe again. <3
Sending love and light to you.
Not knowing about your childhood and if you were abused then, maybe it is something from that part of your life trying to escape. What ever the situation no matter how far back it goes, it was not your fault, I take you in my arms and hug you and hold you there, repeating the same words over, and over “It was not your fault, it was not your fault, it was not your fault”,…..over and over no matter how long it takes, until you truly believe it.
I only liked this to acknowledge it. I don’t like that you are going through this. My hearts hurts for you. 🙁
Thanks, Cheri. I read some of your post about Grace and Election Day before I got called away (I will be going back to read it in its entirety). Please know you are in my prayer calendar and I pray for you. Please let me know if there’s any specifics to pray for or even positives so I can write what God has done.
I wanted to share this with you over here, in case you don’t see it over there: https://shatteredinhim.com/whyiamhere/
While our situations may be vastly different, there are a lot of us out there carrying the big, big wounds. My heart is going out to you today. Big HUGS!
I love that there are more people writing about their hurts, abuses and trials. It definitely helps to not feel so alone and like there is support. Abuse only strengthens when it is kept secret. I loved your post.
The best way to tackle hurt is to totally involve yourself in some charity work. Spend time with orphaned chilldren and give them all the love which they have not got. Meet the elders living alone and keep them company with small talks. Laugh and make them laugh. If you keep your whole day filled with these activities your heart will be filled with contentment and the moment you touch the pillow you will sleep deeply, without any nighmare. Please try this. Life is too precious to be wasted beacuse some one is cruel.
Thank you for caring. Unfortunately, this isn’t something I can wish away by ignoring anymore. It all has to be faced by my being truthful about the pain to overcome it. To be honest, when I was a teenager, I vowed that if I couldn’t be happy then I would do what I could to help others see their worth and potential so they could be happy. The reason I am having nightmares is because so much of my focus is on others and I’ve never really fully dealt with the pain and other feelings associated with the abuse, betrayal and pain throughout my life. Even when I write about it, I am focused on the work at hand and reaching out to others, feeling some of it, but not to the fullest degree, and then I start pushing it away again. Because I haven’t dealt with the issues, they are now coming at me, full force, when I sleep and can’t fight them or push them away.
You are correct that helping others makes such a difference in our focus and finding joy. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t fix everything.
((((hugs)))) <3
Thanks