I am on a journey I’d rather not be taking. I wrote about the nightmares I was having during my Weekend Coffee Share post (Outback and Nightmares). This is a journey I am still on. Even though I’ve not had to get up the past couple days at 5:45 am, I am completely wiped out. I know I am withdrawing from people and walking through my days like a robot, trying to stay as involved as I can. The pain and hurt these nightmares are bringing up are overwhelming.
These dreams are killing me. When I saw my counselor today, I felt like I could burst into tears and lose it completely at any time, but, of course, I have too many protections built up to actually let that happen. Tears still escaped and, unfortunately, it just had to happen five minutes before the end of the session. That seems to be par for the current course.
The part about this that is bothering me the most is that I now have second thoughts as to where I am in healing. The nightmares I’m having are so similar to what they were right after the one I loved died. As I was talking about them and where I am emotionally, I realized I am no further along in healing at the core of the pain. I’d convinced myself I completely understood that the abusive behavior toward me had nothing to do with me and was really the abusers’ issues. I’d convinced myself that I understood I was worth love and of great value.
But, honestly, at the core of it, knowing it all came from their issues doesn’t make any difference to my heart. That knowledge doesn’t make the pain any less painful and it, evidently, hasn’t brought healing. Being treated like crap so my husband could go date other people and not have me bother them while also having others making sure I knew I was nothing of consequence HURTS. I understand it was my husband’s addiction he was feeding, but I can’t take that knowledge and say, “It’s all better! My pain and hurt are all gone and I don’t feel them anymore because what he did to me and how he treated me had nothing to do with me. It was all about him.” The nightmares have made it abundantly clear, the pain is still as raw.
I still feel alone, unloved, unlovable and unworthy. I know I have people who love, support and speak into my life. I do. But, I’m still that little girl, bride and young woman who just wants to be loved and protected, but knows it’s not something that is likely to happen based on my history.
I am left wondering if I’m ever going to get past this pain. Is this my normal now? When I was a kid and married, my regular nightmares were about being chased off a cliff or by a guy with a knife. From talking to others and reading, it seems this is somewhat of a common dream for those who are in abusive situations. That made me feel at least a bit normal. But if these are the dreams I’m going to live with from here on out, I don’t think I can handle it.
This isn’t living.
~ Joanna Lynn