“The price you pay, just for being you, is that you don’t get to have love.”
Mel Gibson (as Nick, “What Women Want”)
I heard this quote when I was watching the movie a few days ago and I was stunned. I’d seen it before, but this time the reality of what was said hit me hard. I realized the reason for this was because it fit my life. So many people in my life have wanted/want me to merely fall into step with what they are doing, saying or think should be done. To decide not to keep living with “business as usual” when things are harmful brings so much pain…and it just doesn’t stop.
In the movie, this quote was in reference to the lead female character’s, Darcy (Helen Hunt), comment about how hard her life was because she spoke her mind. She stated how rare it was for people to actually like someone speaking their mind and referred to it as a curse saying it had not been a great thing in her life. It is one of the truest statements I’ve heard. When you speak and it is regularly met with disregard or anger, it’s confusing and difficult. It feels just like the quote says: The price you pay, just for being you, is that you don’t get to have love. If your words are mostly ignored or retaliated against, there isn’t love or regard for you. Being yourself and speaking should never be a price to pay by anyone.
I am, once again, going through this very thing. I am lost about how to move forward. My heart feels torn apart and it is a struggle to fully take part in life at a “normal” level. To be honest, I feel like a part of me has died. I also feel very alone, partly due to my tendency to withdraw when I’m hurt, but also because life is so, so busy. Everyone, including me on most days, is running on overdrive. In many cases, being alone with your thoughts is good. However, when you feel unloved and rejected by people you thought were close, it can be harmful. I am writing, partly, to try to make some sense of the situation.
The other reason for writing this post is because I know I’m not the only one who is or has been at this point in their life. It’s so important to be aware of the fact that you are not the only person to whom this has happened. It’s good to know you really are not alone. Ever. No matter how you or I feel. For me, knowing God’s Word and loving Jesus throughout my life has kept me alive and sane. I know that He loves me (and you) with unfathomable love. It is during these times, though, that I have often said that I wish God had arms. Just to be physically held and fully loved would be so comforting. But to be heard, really heard, would be life-giving. To be able to respectfully speak from your heart is something everyone should be able to do without repercussions.
I want so much to know who I am. I would love to be able to speak freely and live life to the fullest without my guard being up all the time. To ever reach this point, though, feels like it can only be a dream for me. I’m not sure it will be possible in my life. I believe God allows things to happen for a reason and a purpose. So, when this same scenario continues to happen, I get very confused because I don’t know the reason for it. I can’t understand it. Is it that I still have people in my life who are choosing to live in unhealthy relationships or is there something I just can’t see that I need to change? Or both?
I don’t know the answer and that is the problem. It’s such a battle to decide whether to withdraw to avoid the pain and lose more and more of yourself or continue to speak up and keep more of who you are, but add the threat of being beaten down.
What would you do?
~ Joanna Lynn