About two or three months ago, I started having horrible nightmares all throughout the night. They ripped me apart and I felt like I had been assaulted. It was really taking a heavy toll on me both physically and emotionally.
I was exhausted and beat up. So, about a month ago, my doctor put me on the lowest blood pressure medicine you can take to help with the nightmares. Since I have good blood pressure, I can only take one pill or else I get light-headed a lot. It definitely helps so that I’m not having vivid, horrible dreams all night, but the ones I do have that are vivid are still really rough. I needed to find out why I was having them. They were happening more often than right after the one I loved died.
So, I talked about it with my doctor and my counselor and the verdict was that I haven’t allowed myself to fully feel many, many hard feelings over my life. I stated it as I haven’t gotten “down and dirty” with all that’s happened and all the pain during my life. I push the feelings away when they come. If I do feel them, I only deal with them to the point where I can push them away. Now, however, my mind has taken over and is trying to process them while I’m sleeping. My doctor said my mind is telling me its ready to work through it all.
I know that this is something I have to do. The fact that some hurts, even some from childhood, hurt as much as they did when they happened makes it clear I’ve never really felt or worked through the emotions surrounding the painful events.
That’s not good. I’ll never be a whole person until this is done. But I don’t want to do this! It will be painstaking and I honestly don’t know how to do it. To go into all these hurts and sad, hard times goes against everything I have done, for as long as I can remember, to protect myself and keep functioning at a level as close to “normal” as I can.
I’m so scared. I feel the pull to go inside myself and go on autopilot. This is a protective thing I have done when I’m in situations where I feel threatened or it’s painful. Normally, I don’t realize I’ve gone this route until my friend tells me that I’m not fully present. So, to feel this pull so clearly is new and frightening. I’m fighting it but the pull is strong.
I could really use some prayers through all this. I hate to be needy and I try so hard to do things alone, but I know this is something I’m going to need help with through prayer.
Thanks so much.