“Do you know that Jesus loves you beyond a shadow of a doubt?” It’s a question that was recently posed to me. I don’t have to even think about my answer. Yes..emphatically yes! I believe the more appropriate question to ask me is if I fully hold on to Jesus’ love. Do I hold it closely in my heart? That gives me pause because I know, without a doubt, that Jesus loves me..in my mind. However, my heart’s broken pieces have a hard time…well…taking it to heart. Let me explain.
Where I Get My Strength
God’s love is the reason I’ve had the strength to make it through everything that has happened in my life. There have been too many instances to count where He’s protected me. I’ve felt His presence with me and I know He will never leave me no matter what happens. I’ve also always held on to the fact that no matter what happens here on earth, I will be with Him in Heaven when my life is over.
But I haven’t applied His love fully to the here and now. My counselor asked what I believed Jesus was doing after I discovered the newest infidelity. I told her I believed Jesus told me He loved me, that He was sorry my husband chose to do this and I felt He was holding me. She then asked me where the disconnect was happening if I truly felt Jesus was there for me when my heart was breaking.
I thought about it for a moment and began to talk. It was somewhat of a moment of discovery for me as well. I told my counselor that my strength has come from the knowledge of His love. So many people tell me I’m strong, but I’m not. It’s all Him. He’s protected me from any serious harm, but two questions have embedded themselves into my heart. These questions are most likely the reasons my heart built what a young girl thinks are protections. The questions that come to mind so often are:
- “I know You love me so much, but why is there always another person waiting in line to be abusive?”
- Why can’t there be some freedom from the abuse?”
Why Won’t the Abuse Stop?
I decided since the abuse kept happening and more abusers kept coming into my life. there had to be something about me that God wanted me to change. That must be why He kept allowing abusers and abuse into my life. I clearly needed to figure out what was wrong with me before the abuse would stop. I also became convinced the reason for me being on Earth was to be God’s example of what mediocrity looked like in a person. I believed this because my abusers were always so clear that there was nothing I did that was good enough. I felt I was an example that even someone with no gifts or purpose still had value and was loved by God.
I know that these negative thoughts about God are nowhere near the truth. I know this in my mind without question, but since I came to these “conclusions” early on, I’ve based much of my life around them. They have wound themselves around so many strands of my beliefs and have become ingrained in me. I’m not exactly sure how to release them.
It’s miserable living with the belief that there is something wrong with you but having no idea what it is. It’s even worse believing that God’s love is so much less than it really is. Real hope and security come from knowing Him and understanding His love for us without a shadow of a doubt. I’m truly missing out of the fullness of this hope and security. As I find freedom, I pray, above all, that I find this truth.
Have you created alternate truths so you could continue living in a rough situation?
~ Joanna Lynn