I found proof of another infidelity by my husband this week when I was shredding old taxes from 2008. Believe it or not, I was shocked. Even after all the evidence I have of his extramarital life, I now had one more instance. I was struck with so much pain
I really don’t understand why I’m still surprised. I’d love to say that it doesn’t even register anymore, that it just rolls off my back, or it’s just more of the same, but I can’t. It honestly still hurts as much as all the others I discovered. I didn’t work any this week because I just didn’t have it in me to carry on conversations with a bunch of people, basically making small talk with each of them, which has always been work for me. It was good to get some much needed work done at home, but it also gave my heart a little time to heal, or at least process everything.
Since I made this discovery, really bad dreams have invaded my sleep again. The one I had last night has haunted me all day. In it, I was in college (Ball State – even though it wasn’t really Ball State in the dream) and I was at a fancy gathering for some reason or another. Early on in the dream, my husband showed up (yet another dream where he ended up never really dying, was still alive but he never was around me much – sometimes he was with other women and other times I didn’t know where he went). He was very thin, his hair was almost completely gray and he was slumped over like he’d been beaten down by an illness. I walked up to him in shock and filled with sadness.
Here’s how the interaction went (keep in mind that this is a dream and things don’t make complete sense in them):
Me: “Is this the final stage?”
MH (my husband): (Nods)
Me: How long?
MH: The doctors say 30 days at the most.
Me: How will they manage the pain? Do they have a plan for the rest of the time?
MH: Well, there’s a plan and then there’s a way out.
Me: What do you mean?
MH: (Pushes his thumb down multiple times on his fisted hand like pushing a pump button for medicine.)
Me: They’ll let you do that? Here’s my question, will you live the rest of your life as long as God wants you to live or will you take the easy way out again with suicide?
MH: (Looks at me sadly.) “I’m sorry for siding with other people over you. They just couldn’t work through the pain and wanted to focus on the good when you had to make sense of the pain.”
Me: “Will you come be with me at Ball State? There’s just so little time. Will you come?”
MH: (Shakes his head, lowers his head and turns and walks away.)
After he left, I remembered feeling heartache, loss, abandonment and unloved. But at the same time, I felt this incredible need to be with and help him for the remainder of the time, but knowing he didn’t want me.
When I told my friends about the interaction and that he was actually still alive but dying, they blew me off and said that they had already said goodbye and they weren’t doing it again. They also made sure I knew that I needed to do the same. Then they left.
(The dream then went completely weird, so I won’t share that part.)
Is There Meaning For So Much Pain?
I don’t fully understand the full meaning of this dream. My friends have always been supportive, but I’ve always worried about talking so much about the pain, especially in the early years. I think part of it comes from some asking me why finding out new things like this hurt so much. Isn’t it just old news? It is. It definitely is.
Even so, the pain still comes. I know it’s still bothers me because I did love him, but I’m not sure there is a way to not only make so much pain go away or, more importantly, to stop it from coming. I know it’s can’t be an easy answer, but I hope I figure it out someday.
Have any of you ever experienced this kind of pain?
~ Joanna Lynn