Another anniversary has come and gone. I’m so relieved. It has been six years since the one I loved took his life and it just doesn’t go away. I feel like it’s a horrible gift he gave me for the rest of my life. October 6th, the date that was originally the anniversary of our engagement is now death day!
I don’t think of the date often and I only thought about it this year when I happened to look at a calendar or write the date. Then it would hit me with a jolt and I would inwardly, or outwardly, groan. It makes me sick to think of that day, because, unfortunately, I can’t just think of it as a horrible day when someone I loved died, but I have all the negatives attached to it that come when someone takes their life.
This year, while I didn’t think about the date, my heart remembered it and this year I have been hit with the sadness, every horrible comment made and all the insecurity I’ve felt where he was concerned. It took me a week to figure out that the date was causing the depression. I had thought it was because I have spent a lot of time alone lately. But yesterday I finally realized that being alone doesn’t make me feel ugly, like I can do nothing well or that I wasn’t worth fighting for. It doesn’t even make me feel abandoned. That is all tied up with the wonderful gift of October 6th and the choices made that led up to it.
Suicide is the worst choice anyone can ever make. No matter what you’re thinking or how bad something is that you’ve done, suicide is NOT the answer to anything. Even if you leave a lovely note, telling the person it wasn’t there fault (I received that note) or even try to explain your reasoning for dying, it won’t be enough. There is nothing in the world you will ever be able to do to take that choice away from those left behind. And there is nothing that you could have ever done or do that God can’t work for the good or redeem you from.
Suicide is what I call the terrible gift that keeps on giving. It is haunting and defeating. There is so much help out there that you can get to help you through anything you are going through. Yes, bad choices have consequences that have to be paid, but none of them are worth the pain you will leave behind if you choose to die rather than face them.
SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE – 1-800-273-8255
~ Joanna Lynn