The battle is being set before me and I have no strategies or defenses in mind about how to fight it. I have prayer, which is huge, but I feel completely vulnerable at this point. I know God is speaking to me, but He’s not giving me a glimpse of any of His plans yet.
I now fully understand why torture is used. The reason people use torture is to break someone down so they can hopefully gain information that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to get. Abuse works in a similar way, both physical and verbal. It is used to break someone down so that the abuser can do what they want to do without challenge or to gain complete control. The key is to tear their target down and take away their will.
This pains me to say, pertaining to the subject, but I am settling in to this time of nightmares. I hate every part of that sentence because it is the last thing I want to do. However, God is making it clear to me that this is where I’m supposed to be now. I evidently have work to do through them, but I find myself feeling broken down to the point there isn’t much energy to do work.
I tried to explain the nightmares to a friend today, but it was difficult to do. I basically explained what a couple of the dreams were, but it didn’t come close to explaining the fullness of the effect of them. As I thought about it later and prayed, the best way to describe the full effect of them is that they are like uninterrupted, unchallengeable times of full-blown abuse. I am exhausted, beyond beaten down and, when life presents its issues with family and life, I’m at a loss and I withdraw into a very dark place even if I keep functioning.
This is beyond brutal and I’m concerned about what state I will be in when this comes to an end. At this point, I feel as if I’m disappearing and, even though I try to prayerfully fight the messages that have been driven into me from my past and now every time I go to sleep, I feel I’m losing the battle. But I know that if God has given this to me to fight, He’ll ultimately give me the tools I need, and He’ll carry me when I don’t have the strength to make another move.
~ Joanna Lynn