Hi! It’s so good to get together again. I’ve missed our time the past couple of weeks. Sickness has been visiting me and it’s not a guest I want to have. I don’t even remember inviting it, but it’s getting better and I’m sure I’ll be 100% soon. Anyway, being home more often gave me a lot of time to think and I started going through the journals I found.
The one I initially picked up is completely filled and I couldn’t believe it when I saw that my first entry was written twenty days after the one I loved died. Last night I opened one that started three months after he died.
Wow! It was extremely rough to read. I was very honest, said it like I saw it and it was raw. There was so much going on in addition to his death. There were financial and legal issues that weighed on me and I’d forgotten how scary that time was. I’d also forgotten how difficult some of the people made life. It’s hard when you’re the only one taking a stand or choosing to walk a different path.
I know opening the journals now was what I was supposed to do because I was reminded that this was the year I was supposed to work through all the pain. It isn’t going to be easy, but as time has gone on, I see now how much I have pushed back and not dealt with and how I’ve been led to believe I was completely at fault for walking away. Reading these journals is reminding me why I felt I was supposed to leave.
My life has been shaped and controlled by the words said by some of those around me. Sometimes their voices are so loud in my mind. It’s so hard to hear anything over them. But just because they’ve told me over and over that I’m a problem and treated me as “less than”, it doesn’t have to be my mantra.
In finding the journals and starting to read them, I know I’m supposed to type them out in chronological order to get a clearer picture of my life and all that happened. I don’t know how far back they go, but it will be something I’ve never done before. I have my memories, but some of them have blurred and faded over time while others are so vivid. However, in reading the journals, I will be able to read in black (or blue) and white what happened and my thoughts surrounding each event.
I’d be lying if I said that I’m looking forward to doing it. I know it will be hard, but I hope it will help me to finally find freedom from their voices and influence in my life. No matter what happens,though, I know God will be with me through it all and I won’t be alone.
So, what’s happening in your life? If you have some time, take a moment to look through some of your old journals. It is very interesting to look back in time on your life through your own eyes.
~ Joanna Lynn
“For the Lord your God is living among us. He is a Mighty Savior. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV)