I realized several years ago that I have lived the majority of my life based on what my head told me. I know, in my heart, that my Father in Heaven loves me dearly and that Jesus died on the cross so I could be with Him in Heaven. I know that God made me exactly as He did for a purpose of great importance. I know these things fully in my heart, but I’ve built up so many defensive walls to protect myself from all the verbally abusive words that came my way throughout my life. I’ve built these protections so strong that I don’t live like the second one is a reality for me. I built them to survive and to protect these truths that live deep inside me but I built the walls too thick to the point I can’t fully realize these truths. I don’t know how.
I have become increasingly aware, though, I have become increasingly aware though, that these protections have now started to hold me captive more than they protect me. Most of the abusive people are not in my life anymore, but the defenses are like second nature to me. Much of the time, I really have no idea when the walls go up. Many times, I live in that protected state when I don’t have anything from which to be protected. I’ve even discovered that I have built up these protections for even the most benign moments. I understand why, but it is tiring living with walls going up all the time.
Most of the abusive people are not in my life anymore, but the defenses are like second nature to me. Much of the time, I really have no idea when the walls go up. Many times I live in that protected state when I don’t have anything from which to be protected. I’ve even discovered that I have defenses over the most benign moments. I understand why, but it is tiring living with walls going up all the time.
I never wanted to lose the real me or to allow many people access because I didn’t know if they could be trusted. I am still very cautious of letting others into my life. Because of this, I hardly ever really relax and just allow my real self, whoever that is, to come out. Even when I meet with good friends, I pray that I will not be a burden and will be there for them and not just being in the moment.
It’s sad, but I don’t know many things that I really enjoy doing or even what I can do well. Everything about me has been attacked to the point that I finally “realized” I didn’t do anything well. I know now that they did this to keep me subdued. But, it can’t be true that I do nothing well. If God made me for an important purpose, there has to be at least one thing that I do well, right?
I want to start living in the moments of my life without being on guard. To find out who I am means to start dismantling the walls. When I do, it will open up the chances to be hurt again. I want to start getting rid of these protections. That’s very scary and completely unknown territory. However, figuring out how to do this is the journey I’m starting.
Hopefully, I can eventually stop guarding so much of my heart that holds the truths of Who God is and who He created me to be so that I can do what He has for me to do, both the big and the small, everyday things. God never just has one purpose for us. He made us who we are so that we can make a difference and shine for Him.. He wants us to do this by just being who we were made to be and following His lead. I cling to His promise in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares The Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” There is no place or need for walls in this promise.
I want to start living in the moments of my life without being on guard. I want to get out of my head and start dipping into my heart that I’ve protected so much. I want to start breaking down the walls to find freedom, in Him, which is the most safe place to ever be!
~ Joanna Lynn
(The Daily Post prompt “subdued”)