From my experience, I believe in an abusers mind, to enable them is to give them permission to continue to abuse.
“Life was a sham. Smoke and mirrors hid the dysfunctional lives all of us lived.”
Author: Tiffany King
- I wonder what life would be like if we all lived authentically. If we were true to who we are and treated others the way we wanted to be treated.
- The biggest question I have is how different life would be if we stopped enabling others to live counterproductively to full and productive lives. One form of enabling that is near to my heart is to enable abusive behavior.
- When the victims of these abusers keep silent, it aids in their own destruction. I have lived in this role in several relationships in my life. To be honest, even when I knew how I was being treated and things that were said to me were wrong, I didn’t realize that I could say or do anything about it other than rebelling against the abuser occasionally by telling them they were hurting me or getting away from them for a period of time. I didn’t realize I had the right to not be abused. I didn’t even recognize a lot of it as abuse. The verbal part was something I’d lived with my entire life. I never learned how I should be treated. I, instead, learned how to keep things as quiet and good as I could for the abuser so they wouldn’t get upset. I learned how to enable their abusive behavior and their completely wrong thinking. By doing this, I noticed how the abusers came to actually believe they deserved to be treated as if they were all that mattered. When someone got upset with them for their abusive behavior, they acted like they couldn’t understand why we were upset. It was insanity.
- According to studies cited on brainfacts.org, when aggression is allowed to go unchecked it can change the brain in ways that increase violent behavior. Enabling abusive behavior to continue not only encourages the abuser to keep abusing, but it can also lead them to be more violent.
- Enabling, however, comes into play in more cases than abuse. Parents enable their kids to disobey by giving in to their every whim so they can keep them from throwing fits. We enable our spouses to checkout of family life by allowing them to not be equally involved around the house, with children, with jobs, etc. We also don’t allow our kids, spouses, friends, etc. to face consequences from their poor choices only to enable them to repeat the same mistakes over and over. We also enable ourselves to never fully live our lives by never pursuing our dreams, allowing others to control us, not standing up for ourselves and living behind our illusions and facades (smoke and mirrors) where others don’t know who they are.
- Abusers need to be made to face the consequences of their actions. In John 10:10, Jesus says: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” Anyone who looks to destroy the dignity, purpose, hope, abilities and life of others is working for the enemy, satan.
- Change is possible for anyone. Abusers can change, but, more importantly, abuse victims can change their lives, find freedom and live the life God has for them.
“God is the ultimate musician. His music transforms your life. The notes of redemption rearrange your heart and restore your life. His songs of forgiveness, grace, reconciliation, truth, hope, sovereignty and love give you back your humanity and restore your identity.”
Paul David Tripp
As John 10:10 says, God wants for all of us to have abundant lives. It is possible for everyone. Through Him, anything is possible.
~ Joanna Lynn