We want the most out of life. We hope to be treated with respect and care. When that doesn’t happen and we are mistreated or hurt, we are upset and we look back to try to figure out what went wrong and why something happened. We want to confront the person and hope to get an apology or some restitution. It’s a horrible feeling. It becomes increasingly worse when it happens to your child. We want to protect them or take away the hurt.
A Mother’s Love
I never knew that another human being could take so much of a person’s heart. Becoming a mom, though, made it abundantly clear that it was true. These two boys mean the world to me and I want the very best for them. They are outcomes of my marriage that I will always cherish. They are something for which I can look back at the time and be grateful.
My life with my husband was hard. His death and all the information I discovered about him shortly before he died, and everything after, was devastating and I’m still working through the repercussions of it all. It has taken a heavy toll on my life and my mind. It’s still a struggle some days, but I do fine most of the time. However, when I see the impact his death and actions had on my children, I am filled with an anger that goes deep into my gut, to the point it hurts. I want to make it better for them. I want to take away the hurt and the questions. I want to reassure them. But I’m not sure how to do this or if it is even possible.
I can’t believe he left the way he did. I can’t understand the choices he made that were so against me and our marriage. I don’t believe he loved me at all. He just needed me for appearances. But how could he do this to his kids? To leave them with all these questions and hurt is beyond my comprehension.
Suicide is a rough subject for us. My youngest really liked the band, Linkin Park. Their lead singer, Chester Bennington, committed suicide in July of 2017. He left behind a wife and six children. It really affected my youngest. One of the songs from their latest album is called “One More Light“, about the loss of a friend. It’s a pretty song, but it’s beyond disconcerting to listen to knowing he committed suicide. This verse in particular is hard:
The reminders pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need oh
And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there
This man sung this song often and then turned around and did the same thing to his family. My youngest and I have spoken about it quite a bit. I’m seeing lately that he’s been struggling more with his dad’s death. I think the holidays have had an impact on him as well. It’s so frustrating that I feel I can’t do much to help him. He has said he doesn’t want to make me sad but I’ve assured him he can talk to me at any time.
Take Away the Hurt
I never feel as helpless as I do when my kids are hurting. However, when they are hurting because their dad decided to die rather than face the consequences of his choices, there is the added feeling of guilt. I’m not saying I had anything to do with my husband’s suicide or even knew it was going to happen, although I did know he had a history of attempting suicide. I knew he saw that as a viable option. I’ve often wondered if I hadn’t been so upset, angry and hurt by the realization of his affair if I would have realized what he was preparing to do. I struggle with the feeling that I wasn’t able to protect them from their dad. It’s not something most people have to even contemplate, but I see now that it was something I should have done.
It hurts to see my boys hurting and I feel at a loss as to how to help. They’ve both gone to counselors in the past. My oldest seems to be at peace with everything. My youngest has gone to several more counselors over the years, but he wouldn’t really talk to them. He’s not open about what he’s thinking and feeling and it always ended up becoming an hour-long, expensive time of fun conversation for him. We also went to Brooke’s Place for a couple of years, but he still struggles some. I don’t know how to help him except to be there for him when he needs me. I wish I could take away the hurt, but I can’t. So I pray to the One Who can and hope my boy will eventually be ready to work through everything and move forward into freedom.
~ Joanna Lynn