As I’ve continued typing out all that we did in 1995, I am blown away by all we did on a daily basis. It was crazy. We were WAY too busy! I mean crazy busy.
We both were working full time jobs, but also did at least one other activity every day. It was beyond rare to have a day where all I wrote was that we relaxed. We were gone all the time! I kind of tired myself out just typing it all. For example, one day we did six different things including lunch and dinner with different people at different restaurants. There was a surprise party thrown into the middle of also taking my parents to see my new office and checking on Matt and his friend’s progress working on the brakes of an old truck Matt had just bought. And in between those activities, I finished planting flowers in the morning and afternoon. And that was a normal day for us then.
We had a lot of fun and really did a lot of living. We saw a lot of movies, watched a lot of hockey, basketball and football in person and on tv. We went out to a lot of restaurants with a lot of different people, went on vacations, to parties, Bible studies, family gatherings, volunteered and so much more. We had a lot of fun. However, it also made for a lot of distractions to keep from seeing what was really happening in the relationship and each other’s lives.
Even with all the running, doing and being with people, there were so many times that I still felt alone. Often, I felt like I wasn’t even necessary in my own life. I felt like if I wasn’t there in the midst of it all, it wouldn’t have made much of a difference, because there were so many others to fill the void. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but hopefully I can explain it further.
There has to be more than busyness in life. Fun, friends, family and adventures are great, but there also has to be quiet, substance, love and togetherness. There has to be a connection, devotion and unity with the two of you in the marriage above all the other people in the mix. I realize now that we never really had that in our marriage. There was always something or someone else in the middle.
It makes me think of the Princess Diana interview where she said there were three people in her marriage, so it was a bit crowded. Our marriage never really was a true marriage, I guess. I’m not sure it ever got past the dating stage in Matt’s mind. It was all about going and doing and being seen (as well as his extramarital activities I was unaware of at this point in time). He never stopped dating other people and we rarely had times where we were just alone together for any length of time. There was always something else coming up or that just finished that we could focus on. The two of us weren’t the main focus – it was what else we could be doing.
I needed more quiet and downtime, but Matt always wanted more. I never was enough…and I never would be for him.
~ Joanna Lyn
