I have wondered often how I missed so much of what Matt did. I honestly was clueless of the things he was doing until they were exposed. I think about how daft, too trusting or both that I was to not see or think about anything happening. But as I’ve typed what we did in February of 1995, I came across one day where we went for a walk to ‘have our little discussion’. Then two days later, there was the entry ‘final Matt’s side of discussion’. I don’t go into what the discussion was, but I remember them.
They always came when there was a breakdown in our relationship, usually my realizing a change in his behavior or distance I was feeling from him. He usually said I wanted too much from him by wanting to talk and share about our lives and days. I understand now what was happening during those times, but I had no idea then. These little talks happened when Matt was doing things he shouldn’t be and I would find out about those actions at a later date. By the way I wrote it, these talks were nothing new in our relationship at this point in 1995.
I hate that this was the way of life for us. I don’t understand why Matt was so drawn to doing things that were not right. Some of it was addiction, but a conversation with a friend tonight got me wondering where this pull on him came from. We all have things we fight that aren’t good for us, but his pulls got to be at an entirely different level. The pull was so strong for him and I think he got to the point he could no longer control those urges without help. But he had no desire in getting help and fighting it. He just gave up.
None of what he did would bring any lasting happiness. Some of the choices were illegal, most damaged other people and all of them were immoral. I know morality is such a fluid word anymore, but my use of it means that they went against God’s plans (and our marriage vows).
For Matt, the worst part was that everything he did damaged and changed him for the worst. The person that died in 2009 was a completely different person than the one I had met in high school. The one I met in high school was funny, caring, hard working and had emotions. The one that died was abusive, couldn’t feel any emotions and couldn’t care less about anyone. His life had so little meaning except for his pursuit of his urges and desires and covering up what he’d already done or was preparing to do. And during it all he was also trying to act like nothing was different or off kilter. It wasn’t something that could go on forever. His choices and the consequences were catching up with him.
As I’m thinking about it, I can see how this drastic change in Matt all came to be simply by small choices he made that led to worse and worse choices. These choices then changed who he was as he let go more and more of the person he was created to be. He gave up his life and future to chase after desires that had no meaning and were not lasting. Each choice made the next choice easier so that, over time, the next choices were worse and more drastic from who he used to be, but were merely just the next small step in the progression of his descent.
Choices really do matter. They can lead to life changing moments and lives or they can lead to destruction and death. It’s hard to look at the life of choices Matt made and who he became. It’s also hard to deal with the scars and the destruction he left behind.
Part of why I didn’t know what was going on was because there were always these discussions and reasons for why he was so distant or whatever made the discussions happen. There was just so much deception.
~ Joanna Lynn
