I have been sorting through items in my house. It’s pretty much an ongoing thing as I try to organize, sort through things I no longer need or want and either sell the items or donate them. I recently pulled out the calendars that I kept over the years. When I started looking through them, I noticed that on the last three days of 1994 and all of 1995, for some reason, I kept notes on what we did on most days.
I decided to enter the information into my computer and get rid of the calendars. I really have no idea why I decided to start keeping a record of our lives, but it just so happened that it was the same year that the first major issue with Matt came to the forefront in November. I realized this when I typed out the first month. I was so shocked to realize the timing of my desire to chronicle our comings and goings.
As I’ve “relived” that first month, it has become painfully clear that there are still wounds that haven’t healed and pain I haven’t worked through. This became obvious when I came to the prompt in my Bible study “write about a time that you were betrayed” and I almost broke out in tears.
It makes me tired to think about going into the healing process again, but I think it will clarify some questions in my mind. Over the years, I’ve tried to remember the life we had and what it was like living it day-to-day, but it has become a bit fuzzy looking back through the lens of all I now know. Reliving these days through my writing has brought back memories and feelings that I have pushed aside and tried to forget.
For example, on 1/6/95, I evidently was going to try to come up with one thing to be thankful for and one good thought every day, but I only did it for a few days. (*) The first item I typed was:
‘Thankful for such a caring, giving, loving, wonderful husband.’
This honestly makes me sick to my stomach to type out because I remember writing it down. I remember thinking about what to write and I felt it was the “right thing to do” to make it about him. It’s what I wanted to be true. It’s what I wanted him to be. But it wasn’t either of these. Too many things had already been said and done that hurt so deeply and left me with no doubt of what he truly thought of me.
The worst part about it was remembering how I felt it was my duty to write this and believe it was true. I excused everything and allowed his words and twisting of reality to take up residence in my mind so that I was always unsure of my thoughts. So often it felt like part of my job as his wife to try to believe he really was what I wrote. It was my job to keep up his good reputation, regardless of how things really were. And this job only became more demanding as the years went on and he descended into the person he became.
~ Joanna
*(One year I actually did type out something to be thankful for every day of that year on Facebook. It’s a wonderful thing to do. It really helped me see that you can always find something positive even on the worst days.)
