Keeping Secrets

I’ve been thinking a lot about the secrets I’ve held through my life. They played such significant roles in  relationships I had that I got to the point where I felt like I could never fully trust people. The worst of it came from always having something lurking in the relationship with Matt. At least once a year, there was always something that would come to the surface and be added to the secrets. All the good times were overshadowed by these events. I never could think of the good times without also remembering what else he’d been doing during those times. I still can’t.

Secrets and Abuse

Secrets play a huge part in abuse. They are imperative to allow the abuse to continue because they are only meant to keep the abuser safe, no one else. As long as everyone stays silent, the abuse will, most likely, get increasingly worse. As long as everyone stays silent, there are no consequences and no reason for the abuser to change. When no one speaks up, the path is cleared for them to continue.

Keeping your life as it is and continuing to be the secret keeper is choosing to live in a prison. Secrets will bind you up and keep holding you in the abusive relationship. When they are exposed, though, they begin to lose their power. When you are able to share the secrets holding you in an abusive relationship, or any negative scenario, the bindings start to break and you can begin to emerge. Life can have a different path because you’re no longer bound to the path paved for you. You can start to pave your own.

If you are surrounded by people who believe and support you, you can begin to feel freedom soon after revealing the secrets. But for most, there is pushback. I’d love to say that life was so much better after I took a stand. Honestly, though, it was worse in different way for years after walking away from each abusive relationship. Even so, my life ultimately changed for the better.

My Experience

I felt prompted for six months to break off the relationship with the first person, but I fought it with everything I had. I cried and was afraid because I was taking this step by myself. No one else was breaking their relationship with them. However, I did tell one person that I completely trusted about what was causing my struggle. I knew they had my back – that is crucial for anyone ready to take a step away from their abuse.

I knew I had to step away because I was in such pain every time I was with and talked to them. I couldn’t understand why there was always abuse and I couldn’t make it change. They made me feel like nothing and told me in no uncertain terms exactly where I stood in their eyes. I finally decided to take the step when God helped me to see how every time I spoke with this person, I would spend an entire week trying to work through the abuse and forgive them, only to have it happen again the very next week. It was never-ending.

Eventually, I was able to forgive them completely and to pray for them. I was even there when they died and was able to tell them to talk to Jesus when they seemed to be struggling. I don’t know if that would have ever been possible if I hadn’t walked away and I’m very grateful.

I don’t regret my decision. I knew that I could no longer have this person, or later other people, in my life. I couldn’t go back to the way things were. I just couldn’t. No one should ever have to be told how horrible they are and have hateful things hurled at them at any given moment without warning. No one should stress out and relive the abuse for days before seeing the person again in anticipation of the next negative interaction.

Please Read

(It is important for me to say that I was not dealing with physical or sexual abuse. That is an entirely different and very dangerous level of abuse. Simply walking away may not be possible or safe. Telling someone you can completely trust is still a good way to start the process, then pray, seek help, organize and devise a plan to get away from your abuser.)

Why and Now

I thought I fully understood how bad it would be when I walked away from each person, especially the first, but I really had no idea. The people who were upset with me knew full well what the abuse was like, but they seemed to be fine with letting it continue. I understand that leaving the unknown seems so much scarier than staying in the muck. But it’s not. My life felt like hell for a couple of years after I walked away and I have never felt so alone. I understand that, when I walked away, there were some things that had to be done differently. It changed the dynamics. And I was told how wrong I was in ways I wish I never had to hear.

I was in a much better place without the abuse, but I was also angry and hurt. There were so many times I screamed at, cried and begged God to tell me why I had to be the first (or the only one) to say no more. Why, after all the abuse in my life, did I have to be the one to draw a line in the sand?

Because if not me, then who? There was no one coming to save me or take me out of the abuse. There was no one who was going to make it better for me or protect me when the abuse continued. There would be no one standing up for me or anyone who would even be on my side. It would be like it always had been unless I moved.

But I made it through and I’m on the other side of all of it. I had to walk away from a few relationships and life was extremely hard after doing so, but I’m better for it. I no longer have the abusive words running through my head more times in each day than I care to admit. I can think so much more clearly. Leaving was my choice to walk toward hope. The biggest realization that helped me the most was finally being able to see that the people I walked away from never really loved me. You don’t abuse those you truly love. You want the best for them and want to see them soar and be the best version of themselves.

I want that for you as well.

~ Joanna Lynn