I just arrived home tonight from a getaway to Asheville, NC, with three amazing ladies who are my friends. It rained most of the time and there were some health issues, but the time together was good, especially since the three of us haven’t been together for three years. We had a lot of time to talk and catch up. During all those times, though, I realized how unsure of myself I am in social situations, especially when there is more than one other person present. It became painfully obvious to me that I feel like the geeky middle schooler who is very unsure of where she fits in the world when she is with others.
I think the best way to describe it is that I am socially insecure. I get around other ladies and I swing between being too quiet one minute when I should be talking to saying and doing too much the next minute in an effort to be sociable and fun. When the latter happens, there have been times when I say or do something stupid that hurts or upsets someone. I really hate when that happens. I beat myself up about it for a long time.
I also feel as if I don’t fit in. This has nothing to do with the people I am with or how they think of me. I simply see myself with other women and I feel different. I never was able to feel comfortable being a female. My dad was very old school and vocal about women and their place in the world. Then I married a man who increasingly saw women as a means to feeding his addictions.
As a child and teenager, I generally was more of a tomboy than a girly girl. When I was married, as the clothes Matt bought for me had less and less material, he would incessantly criticize me when I wore dresses that were modest and classy until I gave in and changed. I hated wearing those outfits, but I chose to wear them in hopes that he would stop putting me down. He never did. Unfortunately, now I hear his comments whenever I wear dresses or skirts. The entire time I have them on I feel ugly and frumpy, so I rarely wear them now.
If left to my own desires, I may have naturally been drawn to doing more sporty and outdoor things. I also may have chosen to not wear many dresses or be girly girl. Unfortunately, though, I’ll never know. I became the way I am today mostly to protect myself from the abuse rather than just being who I wanted to be. But there’s still time.
Before that can happen, though, I need to quiet the abusive words in my head.
~ Joanna Lynn
