My Final Post

This will most likely be my final post before I shut down this blog. I actually wasn’t going to say goodbye before shutting it down, but this past summer has changed so much. I wanted to write one more time to give encouragement to anyone who might happen to read it and need the information.

This summer was one of the hardest times for me. It left me in a place where I questioned myself – my worth, my relationships, my past, present and future – and it changed everything. It broke me in so many ways.

I recently talked to my doctor about it. During that conversation, I was reminded of something that I had been told before, but didn’t remember. I actually have PTSD. I vaguely remember being told this and remember thinking that, yeah, I probably was dealing with traumatic stress from Matt’s death and all I found out about him, but never realized what it truly meant.

When I was reminded of it and had time to think about it, I looked into what PTSD really was. I had always associated it with war veterans or people who had gone through hellish, criminal events. I looked at the symptoms and could see where I fit a lot of them to some degree, but I wasn’t sure. Then I found out about something called C-PTSD, or Complex PTSD. I couldn’t believe how it described so much about my life and me as a person (www.chosingtherapy.com/cptsd-vs-ptsd).

As I looked at the symptoms, I saw that as a teenager and adult, I worked my life around them. For example, it takes a lot for me to even begin to trust someone. I’ve had too many people twist things I’ve said to them to suit their purposes and cause some type of drama. So I simply don’t share much about myself with most people for a long time. I am also almost always on guard when I am with two or more people. I don’t trust myself to not say or do something that will make someone angry or upset. It happens way too many times, often by something I don’t even understand why it made them upset. So I am on edge a lot. And my being on edge and quiet in groups causes problems in itself because people think I am upset. It’s a vicious cycle. And the list goes on from there that fit so many of the symptoms.

The other realization I came to when reading the symptoms was that I never could understand why I never completely got past the abuse and rough times. I would feel like I was free from it and, then, something would happen and everything would come back to my thoughts and those old hurts took over. Over and over again, no matter what I did and no matter if I felt I was healed from an event or not, they would come back as painful and harsh as if they had just happened.

I also realized that the way I sort negative feelings, the ones the abusers never wanted me to show, was me just grouping different flashbacks of events together that made me feel the same way. When I felt that way the next time, out would come the flashbacks that made me feel that way before. Let me tell you, it’s not exactly a great way to live.

But now it all makes sense. I now understand why this keeps happening, but I can’t understand why no one ever talked to me about how to handle the symptoms of PTSD or even what to look for so I could try to counteract the flashbacks and feelings when they would ultimately come. I went through so many years of counseling with several groups and counselors and I don’t remember it ever being discussed. I know my main counselor had that information because she and my doctor shared their files on me. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, but it has made me wonder what could have been if only…which has only added to the pain.

I feel like I’ve had so much wasted time. Some have seen me as someone who has held onto the pain and abuse as a crutch or a way to get attention. Others have felt that no matter what was said to me, I chose to just keep going back to the pain, feelings and thoughts. I’ve felt constant shame, but I couldn’t understand why it kept happening. I’ve seen friendships suffer and falter. I feel like I have been assigned so many character flaws and I have become less of a friend and person to so many who have been in my life no matter how hard I tried to be different. I didn’t know it, but there was no way this would have ever stopped until I knew what was causing it to continue.

I can’t even explain the pain I am experiencing now. I am in such grief over so much I have lost and so much that could have been if someone would have stepped in and helped me understand what PTSD actually meant and how it affected every part of your life. No one was really talking to me about it, so I didn’t even remember it was said to me. I evidently thought it was no big deal.

But that is completely wrong.

I honestly understand a bit more how those who have no hope can contemplate suicide (DON’T DO IT!!! NOTHING IS EVER COMPLETELY HOPELESS!!!) The pain is overwhelming. I feel like I have lost so, so much, had others think I didn’t care what they were saying to me and still others who saw my pain as a stunt to gain something – although I’m not sure how that works or why anyone would do it. And there was no way I could have! I didn’t have the tools, help or knowledge. I was losing more and more of myself and being blamed for more and more pain. I could barely recognize myself when I looked at myself through the labels and descriptions others had given me. And I didn’t know why it kept happening. I also didn’t know how to fight it, so I let them all stand and let them believe what they wanted so we could move on. That is until this summer when I finally said to one person that they were wrong and what they truly believed about me had nothing to do with who I was.

That was the first step. I did that before I was reminded about the PTSD. I found a little freedom in that moment. That freedom opened up the door to find out about the PTSD. Hopefully, this will lead to a whole new life eventually.

This summer has taught me that sometimes the start of finding who you are is realizing and standing up against who you’re not. I finally did that and I gained new information from it. This gives me hope that I can take this information and gain knowledge into how to handle and work through it to come out on the other side.

Hope is the one thing I can hold onto. With that hope, I can take the next step. Life may never look the same after going down this road and, in many ways, that is a good thing. The losses and hurt will take some time to get through and I pray God will lead me in the directions I need to go to get there. He’s never left my side so far and I know He never will.

The same is true for anyone who calls on and seeks Him. I wish the very best for you.

~ Joanna Lynn