I want to be brave. I’ve wanted it for so long. There are different kinds of bravery – running into disasters when others are running out, fostering children, being in the medical field, and so on. But the type of bravery I’ve always wanted is not as noble but just as important. I’ve always wanted to be brave enough to have a voice and use it.
I wish I had stood up to those who were constantly knocking me down – to stand up for myself. I wish I had always had the bravery to seriously try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and, more importantly, what I was created to do. That is still a desire I have and, fortunately, it’s never too late as long as I’m still breathing. I also want to come to a point that I can fully be myself when I talk to people and even when I write.
Writing is one of those things that I do often, but the idea is always in the back of my mind that I am writing an English paper with extra blogging rules added to it. That’s really not the way I want my blog to be. I would love to write like I talk to my friends. I want the feel to be intimate yet fun (if the topic allows for fun – hopefully there will be more of these). I also need and want to be brave, bold and real in my writing as well as in my life.
I gave away so much of myself through my life just to keep the peace or to keep the nastiness from coming. Sometimes it worked, but not very often. When it did it was usually bad anyway because I was uncomfortable or upset. I wish I had spoken up every time it happened. If I had, maybe all the messages wouldn’t have stuck and taken root in my brain where they could attack at will at any given time.
Does that make sense? We all have had cruel words tossed at us and they run through our minds until we can work through them. Even then, though, they can pop up again in your brain if something happens that triggers the memory. But if you’ve been in abusive relationships with words hurled at you more times than not, those words can nestle in and live there for a long time. If I’d been brave, though, and spoke out against the accusations and hateful words they may still have been in my head but my challenge to those attacks would also be there. Instead of taking it all in and even questioning whether they were right or wrong, I would have fought for myself and maybe even silenced some of the hatefulness. That would be so empowering.
If you’re in a rough relationship or just hit a rough patch, be brave and speak up if the words become abusive. I intend to in the future. No one was ever made to be berated for everything or to be a punching bag. Fight the comments and defend yourself, even if no one else does. Dare to fight for your life. You matter regardless of what someone else has told you.
~ Joanna Lynn