I was cutting my grass the other day and listening to my music. When I cut the grass, it’s one of the few times I’m all alone and no one can interrupt me. During these times, I often have a conversation with God. When I don’t have my ear buds in, my thoughts go to different places and I pray and talk to God. I’ve been able to work through a lot of issues during these times. At other times, God talks to me through the music that plays.
If you’ve not had a conversation with God like this, it may sound weird. However, when these times happen, they are very clearly addressing something that has been weighing on my heart or something that I’m pondering. I have even received a playlist for a friend that was hurting.
The Conversation With God
One of the groupings of songs that played was clearly about my past and some of the feelings that assault me.
It started with Kelly Clarkson’s “Bcause of You”. It describes, pretty clearly, a lot of the feelings I’ve had since my husband committed suicide. Here are just a few of the lines that struck a real chord in my heart:
“Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid”
“I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with”
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in”
It’s hard. I listened to the song and the first thoughts that hit were:
“How do I get away from these feelings? They have been a part of my life for so many years. This is so deep. How can I ever learn to trust people? Trust is so difficult to give to people because it hurts SO much when it’s broken.”
Then a string of other songs came on with these kinds of lyrics:
Steven Curtis Chapman – What a Friend We Have In Jesus
“Are we weak and heavy laden, encumbered with a world of prayer? Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.”
Superchick – We Live
“Waking up to another dark morning, people are mourning, the weather in life outside is storming. But what would it take for the clouds to break for us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway?
Barlow Girl – Never Alone
“We cannot separate. You’re part of me. And though You’re invisible, I’ll trust the unseen.”
Steven Curtis Chapman – His Eyes
“My child, I created you, too, and you’re my most precious creation. I even gave my Son for you.”
Amy Grant – Deep As It Is Wide
“Every nation, color and creed, like grace pouring out, far as the eye can see, singing praises up to a King cause He died for a crowd.”
Aaron Shust – Risen Today
“All creation sang Hallelujah, the King is risen, glory to the name of the Risen Lord. Let all the earth proclaim Hallelujah, our sins forgiven, glory to Your name forevermore.”
Newsboys – God’s Not Dead
“Now I’m lost in Your freedom, in this world I’ll overcome.”
Steven Curtis Chapman – Questions
“Still I have these questions, like how could you God? How could You be so good and strong and make a world that can be so painful. And where were you God? I know you had to be right there. I know you never turn your head.”
Unspoken – Who You Are
“You believe in freedom, but you don’t know how to choose. You gotta step out of your feelings that you’re so afraid to lose. And everyday you put your feet on the floor you gotta walk through the door. It’s never gonna be easy, but it’s all worth fighting for.”
Phil Wickham – At Your Name
“Lord of all the earth, we shout Your name, shout Your name. Filling up the skies with endless praise, endless praise. Yahweh, Yahweh, we love to shout Your name, oh Lord.”
It always amazes me that out of the millions of recorded songs, I own a few thousand, and out of those few thousand, God gives me exactly the right words when I need them. This conversation with God helped me to put into perspective the horrible feelings I have and the reality of Who He is. He’s everything. He’s always with us and, while He gives us all free will under which there is so much joy and pain, He works it all together for good. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always take away the pain, but it helps to know I can talk to Him anytime and all the time. It also helps to read His Word and know that He loves me with unconditional love and calls me His own. I can also praise His name, even in the storms, knowing I am a child of the Creator of the Universe. Nothing is too big for Him and He’ll help me sift through all these feelings and attacks and come out better on the other side of it all.
~ Joanna Lynn
(The Daily Post prompt “millions”)
