I’ve come to a point in my life where I want something different in my life. I want freedom. I want that more than anything. I want the freedom to live fully, to try to put my effort and time doing what I feel led to do.
Building the Fences
Since my life has been built around the lies I’ve been told by those I was led to believe loved me, but clearly didn’t, I took what they had to say to heart. Because of this, I never believed I had a voice and so, therefore, I didn’t try to use it often. I locked myself away and lived my life by loving Jesus, trying to do everything the best way I could and helping others see the good in who they were and their lives.
However, by doing this, it made everything I did that much more difficult. I do most things to the fullest, often to an over-the-top extent. With trying to always do every step, every time, it makes pretty much everything I do feel like a chore. Simply cleaning a room has to also include deep cleaning at least one area and reorganizing or going through another area. It’s probably why I’ve started doing so much in my life a little bit at a time.
I think I’ve done this to quiet the voices from my past that attacked everything about me. I wanted to be sure that everything I did, even if it wasn’t great or to anyone’s liking – which I was sure it wouldn’t be – I could at least say I did my best.
Speaking Into Other’s Lives
I have applied this same attitude to blogging. There are so many things that should be done to have a successful blog. So I tried to do everything. I even took a course detailing every step, but I never finished it. I was too overwhelmed with all that needed to be done to have a successful blog. I knew there would be no way I would be able to do all these things every day, so there was no way I would be successful. Living with this mindset, over time, I got to the point that I stopped writing very often. Since I couldn’t do it all, I didn’t do it often.
But a funny thing happened when I wasn’t writing – I missed it. I felt like something was missing. This feeling grew so much that it overtook the feelings of not being able to do it all and the fear of not having anything to say that counted. This is when I realized I want to write. I want to find my voice. I want to speak and write into people’s lives. I want to help others see that they are filled with potential and their lives have meaning.
This is what I want to do, but it is still incredibly hard for me to believe it can ever happen. Every time I push that “Publish” button on WordPress, all my doubts and the voices from my past scream out at me that no one wants to read what I have to say. But I’m going to hold on to the truth that God has a plan for my life. I don’t think He would have me missing writing so much if it wasn’t supposed to play a part in my future.
I Want Freedom to…
This is so important to me because I know what life is like when you’re told over and over that you are (enter the derogatory comment here). There is value in every single human being. God created each one of us for a purpose and because He loves us.
I want freedom. I want to find the keys to start unlocking the gates I’ve built around myself so I can find that freedom.
Are there any gates or obstacles that are holding you captive?
~ Joanna Lynn