Shortly after the one I loved died, I realized that the words, “I wish you knew…” came to mind so, so many times. It became less and less over the first couple years, but nothing ever came after it. It took me some time to even start to grasp why I kept thinking it. There was so much that he didn’t know and I wondered, if he knew, would it have made a difference.
To the One I Loved
I wish you knew…
- How much I loved you.
- Our marriage could have been so much different.
- I could have been an asset to you instead of nothing…nothing at all of any importance.
- You crushed my heart.
- That I was enough.
- I am more than a cover story.
- I discovered new information about your other life for six months after you died – it killed me a little more every time.
- Jesus could have helped you overcome everything you were tempted to do.
- Appearances aren’t everything.
- There is ALWAYS a better choice than suicide.
- Your boys loved and looked up to you so much.
- Your youngest cried out in the night for a year.
- Trying to work through the pain, betrayal and grief while also trying to be strong and function was what you chose to leave me to do.
- I was constantly at odds with how others thought I should have handled everything which only made working through it all more damaging rather than healing.
- Your youngest just told me again yesterday that he would be so much happier if we had just gotten a divorce and not you dying.
- You never had to marry me. Then you could have kept dating without creating so much pain.
- You continued to date after we got married and you nearly destroyed both the boys and me when we should have just parted ways so you could have dated without having to lie your way through life.
- Women are human beings with purpose, intelligence and feelings, not objects.
My heart aches and I feel hollow after writing this out. I have never really finished that sentence until now. It’s odd that this is all coming out now, but I realized, during the past week, that phrase has run through my head again. I’m not sure why. I know it’s a prompting to write this piece. However, I believe it is also because there are things I wish the people who spoke damaging words over my life knew or cared to know.
To Those Who Spoke Over My Life
I wish you knew:
- Who I am.
- I have value and worth as a person, regardless of my gender.
- Women have great purpose in life, are loved by God as much as men and are just as valuable, capable and intelligent as men.
- I am not stupid.
- I love very deeply and internalize hateful comments.
- I just wanted to be loved and accepted for being me.
- When someone disagrees with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are wrong. People disagreeing with you and giving constructive criticism can be great opportunities to evaluate your life and prayerfully change things, if needed.
- I actually can do some things well. I’m still trying to figure what those things are but I can’t be a completely horrible person with nothing that I can do right.
- There is no freedom in trying to control everything and everyone.
- I never said I loved him more than you loved him.
- You can’t say someone is worthless, has no influence on your life whatsoever, is stupid or that nothing they say could interest you and still say you love them in any way.
In the End
These words were never spoken, but, if they had been, I’m pretty sure they would have been met with deaf ears to anything involving wrongdoing on their part. I would also probably have been told that I was somehow to blame. But these facts don’t change the need to have them said. There is such a desire to be heard, to matter, to have even just one of these people care about even one thing about me.
But that will never happen. It just isn’t possible. I know this to the very being of who I am, but I hope I can let go of saying “I wish you knew” and understand that, even though they never will, my life can still be complete and full of promise. It doesn’t change who I am or what the future holds for me.
~ Joanna Lynn