“This is why I’m here.”
“God put me here for this.”
“This is my purpose.”
These are phrases I have heard so often lately. I love to hear people talk with such conviction and passion about what they are doing in their lives. I have never experienced this feeling. I have never known what purpose I had for my life. I know I’m here for my boys. I know I have been able to help others and show them love. I hope that I have been an example of God and pointed others to Him. But I’ve never had a passion to do something specific or had a dream that I aspired to see come true.
A New Way to Live
I’ve never even understood how someone comes to know his or her purpose. Is it something that comes to you all at once or do you have to have a longing that continues until you pursue it? Or is it something that you can discover in your day-to-day life?
The more I’ve thought about this, the more I keep wondering how life would be different if I asked myself what God would want for and from me in each situation? And even in the tough times, as I look back on them, can I see why He allowed it to happen or is there some good that came from it? What can I take from the experience and pain? He has ordained each day of our lives (Psalm 139:16) and He works all things for good for those who love Him (Psalm 8:28). He is in every moment of our lives, so each moment has a purpose. The way those moments are lived is up to us.
I think this change in thinking is really the way life goes from surviving to truly living and beginning to move forward. There have been so many times when I have entered into a situation with anything but enthusiasm, yet something positive happened or I walked out of it having learned something from it that helped me grow. I remember once while I was visiting my friend in Florida, she took me to a harbor to spend time together before I left. I was tired and drained, for some reason, that day. I really didn’t want to be there, but I wanted to spend time with my friend. So, we began to walk along the water while we talked. Within minutes, I saw a fin in the water. It disappeared and then appeared again where I could get a better look. It was a dolphin. I absolutely adore dolphins! I had gone into this time with little enthusiasm, kind of wishing we would do something else. But God blessed me so much by my seeing the dolphin as well as with good conversation with my friend. If I had stayed in the frame of mind I had started with, I would have missed out on seeing something I loved so much and sharing that special time with someone who is like a sister to me. That time is now a moment I will never forget.
Applying the Change
So, how does changing the way I approach life change the way I approach the place I find myself in now? So far, I am approaching this time in my life with dread, fear and with no enthusiasm at all. I don’t want to sort through my past. I also struggle with whether I am supposed to write this blog so, so often. I ask myself if I have the writing skills and talent to write it well and do I even have a story worth telling that can make a difference. But what if I stopped looking at everything only looking at what I know and h. ow I think?
I know God could have taken away the hurt and pain I’ve experienced without my having to face it and sort through it all. I also know that, while there are so many other people who can write better than I can and even have a more poignant story, the stories and thoughts keep coming. So, I have to believe there is a reason God has me here in this place with my mind wanting to sort through the pain now. That knowledge helps me to see that there is some purpose, some good purpose, my purpose, at least part of it, in taking this step.
This is something I have always wanted. I’ve wanted to know there’s a purpose for my being here, for my life. In my mind, while I was trying to fit the pain and feelings of worthlessness into why I was here, I resigned myself to life as I’d known it and how others saw and treated me. I planted myself firmly in place with so many walls around and ceilings over me that I not only believed there was nothing for me, I couldn’t move forward anyway.
So, with the change in thinking, I can no longer say that I have no purpose in my life except for something negative. That’s a big step. It’s actually huge! I know I won’t be perfect in this endeavor to look at the days and experiences ahead. Perfection isn’t possible. But as I look at it according to processing the moments that have already happened, it gives me hope. It gives me some relief in knowing I’m not looking at them totally through my pain or even through the words and actions of those who brought the pain. To know that I am processing it with Him in mind only and what He wants for me, through prayer, I can do this because I know He only wants what is best for me.