It’s very hard to figure out how I am feeling. Because I wasn’t able to express hard feelings in my life, I have a very hard time even identifying the feelings. When I was talking to a counselor one day, she asked me how something made me feel. I told her that I had absolutely no idea. She handed me a list of feelings with probably 100 feelings listed on it. I looked at them for a bit and I was able to name two feelings I was experiencing at the time. It was so shocking to me that I had no idea how to even identify with words what I was feeling. I felt like a two-year-old would have more of an understanding of who they were than I did and do in my 40’s. That scared me and it really hurt. I was able to see firsthand what all the actions of these people in my life had done to me. I realized that there had been so much taken away from me.
I just don’t understand how not only one person, but also a group of people independently and, later, somewhat as a group together, could do this to anyone. I have been told over and over from my counselor, that there are people in the world and, evidently, in my life, that treat people like they have no value or belittle them so that they can feel better about themselves. It makes no sense to me at all. It really does nothing to help me understand what has happened in my life because I have no idea how to wrap my mind around this thought process. After the way I had grown up and been treated through my life, there was no way that I wanted to treat anyone even close to the way I had been treated. Why would I ever want someone, especially people I knew and loved, or even liked, to feel anywhere close to how I was made to feel! Never! How could doing this to people make anyone feel better about themselves?
So, here I am, just stepping over the start line of my journey to healing and I have no idea how to move forward. What am I feeling? What should I tackle first? What is the main problem facing me? Wait, before those questions, what am I moving toward?
I would say the best answer is that I’m moving towards me, whoever or whatever that turns out to be. I want to meet and get to know her. It’s a journey of faith looking to find the lady God created, instead of who the abusive people in my life said I was.
~ Joanna Lynn