Everything Is Foggy

“Everything is foggy.”

“I can’t concentrate”

“I feel like I’m looking down on myself from the outside.”

“I’m so tired and have no energy.”

These are just a few examples of what depression sounds like. It’s a real problem. It is not really living and it is lonely. I’m writing this from experience.

After my husband died, I felt like this for two-and-a-half years until my doctor raised my antidepressant up to the maximum strength. After she did this, it was like my world became colorful again. I was able to think and reason so much better and I saw life as not so taxing and increasingly more enjoyable.

I am not ashamed nor do I make any apologies for taking antidepressants. I am still on them almost eight years after my husband committed suicide and I uncovered how he lived his life when he wasn’t home (and even when he was). The medicine makes a world of difference for me. It doesn’t for everybody, but I was fortunate. Has it made everything rosy and happy in my life? Nope, but I can fully engage in my life again. I no longer look at it through a fog.

But even while I am so thankful the medicine, along with counseling, has helped, it is not the most helpful tool in my arsenal against depression. That would be Jesus and my relationship with Him. I can’t even imagine where I would be if all I had to work with were things and thoughts in this world. To know there is Someone bigger than all of this is life-saving.

When I look at all that has happened in my life through my eyes alone, especially the unfaithfulness and choices my husband made, I only see where I failed, question what I could have done to make a difference and believe that I must be the ugliest and most undesirable person since he went to so many others for sex and even had long-term relationships with some.

But God…reminds me my husband made his own choices and refused to get help to work on his issues. He reminds me that the world and what happens in it are not dependent on me. We all have free will and are given the opportunity to find strength, help and hope in His Son. He also reminds me to go back to my husband’s suicide letter where he told me not to blame myself because he knew I loved him and only wanted the best for him and that I’d told him repeatedly that I wanted him to be completely sold out to Jesus and then everything else would fall into place.

God also tells me that I am His daughter, a princess in His kingdom because I am His child and He loves me with a love I will never fully understand because it is so vast. I have access to Him 24/7, 365 days a year (366 on leap years). My husband had that access as well and he chose not to seek His help. He cared more about his addictions than anything else. He made that choice, not me. That rests solely on him. Does that mean that guilt and questions never come to mind anymore? No. Those thoughts still come to mind, but I have the assurances to fight them.

So, if you’re living a life where everything is foggy, seek help medically and cognitively, but don’t forget Him. He should be your first call.

~ Joanna Lynn