I started to read through my journal. It is actually all my journals and writings that I’ve found combined into one big chronological file on my laptop. The first entry is from October 4, 1990. That date strikes me because I know it is not the first time I started writing. Unfortunately, my earlier writings were “accidentally” disposed of by Scott along with quite a few of my belongings before we were married.
Let me start off by saying that I realize it’s been such long time that it shouldn’t matter anymore, but, yeah, it still bothers me when I think of it now. I can see how it was somewhat of a foreshadowing of what was to come in our marriage. The control and lessening of who I was had started without my understanding it at the time.
Here’s what happened. When we were moving to our first apartment we lived in after we were married, we both moved most of our belongings from our parents’ houses shortly before the wedding. When I started unpacking, I noticed that there were quite a few items of mine that weren’t anywhere to be found. When I asked Scott about it, he told me that he “accidentally” gave the wrong bags to Goodwill. I was really upset. It felt like a huge loss.
None of his items were gone even though our items were mixed together in the same vehicle as my items. My mom also told me a bit later that she saw what he was doing when he was packing the vehicle and she pulled a few items she knew would be a bigger loss for me. It probably would not have made an imprint in the back of my mind if it had been the only time it happened. More than once, however, I would not be able to find items and ultimately they had been thrown or given away. Then he would repeatedly try to convince me that I had decided to get rid of the items when I knew I hadn’t.
After I realized what he had been doing, I started being protective of a few items. I even told him, more than once, that if those items ever disappeared there would be problems. I also would not let him pack those items when we moved so they wouldn’t “accidentally” break. Fortunately, I discovered he had a “tell” of what items were in danger: he would begin to complain about the items and tell me how ridiculous I was for having the item or holding on to something.
I know now that this was a form of abuse. Please understand that I am not a psychologist and am only speaking from my own experience, but I believe that he did things like this to lessen who I was and take away items that I enjoyed. Some of the items he discarded were accomplishments from high school or college, items I had been given by others or that I especially liked. He didn’t want me to have items that reminded me of other people or that grounded me to my family and memories.
As I write this, I recall that he did the same thing with people around me. If someone started to get too close to me and began pouring into my life by pointing out events that had happened or comments that had been made that were not good, he would start to tear those people down. I remember ending at least two friendships because of how much he harassed me about them.
I also remember clearly that we had a long friendship with another couple where the woman in the relationship was becoming increasingly more negative and critical of everything about me. It got to the point that I wanted nothing to do with them, but Scott told me how wrong I was and that I was being too sensitive. He stood up for her and didn’t care how I felt. That continued until I came to the point that I refused to be around them anymore. Then and only then did he somewhat agree with me and we broke off the friendship. I heard about how horrible the loss was for him for months afterward. There had been more to the relationship than I realized at the time, but I understand more now.
If someone in your life is breaking and getting rid of things in your life without your consent, it is a red flag. When they tear down your friendships with others when those friends are good, it is a red flag. If they start to defend other women over you, it is a red flag.
~ Joanna Lynn
