Silence Is Revealing

Silence is revealing. It’s a place where I am now and it’s allowing me to really look at my life, both the past and present, with fresh eyes. Living in silence is a place where I am comfortable since I’ve lived most of my life not sharing what was happening in my life. It’s been interesting. There have been positives and negatives, realizations and added confusion.

Living in Silence

As I’ve become more silent about the abuse in my life, and my life in general, I’ve been able to see things in a way I can understand. Not forcing myself to figure out how I feel about something, how to move forward in a positive way, or even having to find a way to be okay with everything that happened has given me more clarity. Since I’ve been reading about the subject of emotional abuse, I am able to take the information in, instead of it just opening up old wounds and deepening the sorrow, as I try to define the feelings that rise to the surface.

The information is still not easy to take in. At times I feel like I’m dying inside, but I’ve handled that feeling way too often in my life. I’m used to it (it sounds so sad, and I guess it is, but there is familiarity to it). Figuring out my feelings and how to come to terms with all that has happened to me brings anxiety, confusion, and the inability to actually heal. Until I am able to understand it more and am able to work through the actions and words thrown at me, there is no way I can start to break down the walls I’ve built to protect myself. Instead, the walls just go higher and become stronger because I’m being asked to focus on things that are so unclear to me.

Talking Back to a Book

I’ve been reading a book called “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse” by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, with Ann McMurray. OK, I’m not sure reading it is exactly what I’m doing. I’m reading it and then I “talk” back to it in the margins. I guess it’s more like I’m having a conversation with the book. (Here’s a picture of one of the pages. There are many more pages where I’ve filled up every blank space, but since I name names, I didn’t show those.)

There are also questions at the end of each chapter that help me to hone in on what I’ve just taken in and it helps me to process it. This is helpful. Since I’ve written my thoughts, I can let them go and come back to work through them later. It’s rather cathartic. I have not spoken back to many things that have been said and done to me in my life. It just wasn’t safe to do so and it only made things worse. But to exercise the freedom in this book (and probably any others I use during this time) is a release. It gives credence to what I’ve experienced and how I’ve lived my life. I feel “heard” when I’m talking back to the book because what the authors wrote is what I’ve felt and experienced in life.

Silence is Revealing

That is a desire I’ve always wanted: to simply be heard. Not just a “yeah, yeah, whatever” kind of being heard, but to actually have people listen and care. To not get blank looks, or worse yet, be dismissed. As I’ve become quieter, I realize that I often spoke things that meant something to me just to see if I’d be heard, be seen, matter, make an imprint in this lifetime, or maybe even help someone else. As I look back, and even where I am now in some cases, the main response I have received/receive is to be disregarded. It’s almost like I’m not even there or I am a pestering insect that won’t stop flying around someone’s ear. To have that happen so often in life makes me feel alone and like I don’t count.

Abuse is isolating. It separates someone, or a few people, away from the larger group so that the abuser can control and manipulate them. The target is told repeatedly how wrong they are, how stupid, how no one will love them, and so on. They then feel that they are broken and like no one could possibly see any merit in them. They go into relationships with an expectation of the other person “finding out” just how backwards, awful, stupid, etc., they really are and they wonder when the other person will walk away. Or they go into a relationship hoping for something wonderful and either sabotage it or, if a strong relationship doesn’t form or the other person moves on, they feel their abuser was right and the hurt is palpable. They replay in their minds all the hateful words spewed at them and “see that they were true”.

Even though I don’t know what to do with this realization at the moment, it means something to me to know that part of my brokenness has been revealed. I understand that I’ve had this need that wasn’t being met. Worse yet, it was fed to me that I had no right to be heard because I had nothing of value to say. Having this insight gives me some reassurance that I will find healing from the hurts because I can identify what they are.

What need has your heart been longing for?

~ Joanna Lynn