It’s summer vacation for my boys and I feel pulled in many directions…because I am pulled in many directions. Being a single parent is no joke. Everything rests on you in decision-making, discipline, guidance, comforting, transportation and so on. Fortunately, my boys are at an age that they can take care of themselves, but I’m still it as far as parents go for them.
A Life on Hold
This was an especially hard thing when the boys were younger, even more so that first year after Scott committed suicide. Fortunately, I had help by way of my mother living with us. Because of this I was able to go out some with friends and get small vacations to gain strength for the journey. But the weight of being the only parent still rested, and rests, on me. It’s a lot on certain days, but it is what it is and we get through it.
Sometimes I feel like my life has been put on hold during these years, but when I really think about it, it’s honestly the way I’ve always lived my life. To try keep the abusive words from coming my way, I learned to do whatever I did with as little fanfare as possible so as not to have the spotlight ever land on me. Unfortunately, I’ve continued that even after the abuse has mostly been removed from my life. Then, as life has kept throwing really rough times my way, I came to the conclusion that there wasn’t anything for me in this life. God’s plan for a future and a hope for me (Jeremiah 29:11) must only be for my eternal life, not this one. But I feel He is trying to tell me that is not true.
I Want To Be a Fairy Godmother
When God wants to get my attention, I hear similar messages everywhere and this time is no different. The first message came from a book I was reading The Spring of Candy Apples by Debbie Viguié that said,
“In your life you should be the star, not the supporting actress”.
I had to read that several times and then I typed it into my notes in my phone. It hit me hard that I have been living my life as the supporting actress, merely letting everyone else dictate what would happen and making plans according to what they wanted and what they wanted from me.
I was often told that my entire life was supposed to be about other people and never about myself. I now fully realize that I was being taught this by people who were wanting me to make their lives easier and to help them get what they desired. I enjoy helping people. It brings me joy, but those in my life that didn’t care about me twisted it. They put me in the role of Cinderella, beneath them and in a place of servitude, rather than a fairy godmother who joyfully helps others, but is also strong and has purpose. That’s a huge difference.
No Autopilot
The other messages were at church this past week. The pastor was preaching from Proverbs 16. In it, he made several points that really spoke to me. One was that in life, autopilot wasn’t an option. Wow! I have actually used that term many times to describe how I live my life. I usually take whatever came my way, work it through, and go to the next issue. But that’s not what God wants for us.
He gives us the gift of freedom. He wants us to commit each day to Him and then live. His ways are for our good. He doesn’t want us to approach life by saying to Him, “God if you would ________, then I would ________”, for example, “If you would help me get this job, then I would give to this charity”. That’s living life as a bargaining chip, not really living. Instead, He wants us to approach life by telling Him, “God, this is what I want, but I trust you will give me what I need”. Then, if you don’t get what you want, you can know He is saving you from what you don’t need. He has something better for you.
God’s Will
The pastor then went on to say that we didn’t have to search for God’s will, God’s will was where we were standing. O…K…? He went on to explain that God’s will for us is in the here and now. If we commit our days to Him, trusting His good and perfect plans for us, He will lead us in His will to a life full of possibilities and adventure, sometimes not knowing what comes next, but stepping into it anyway knowing that it is for our good.
That’s the life I want to live. I know I’ll have to learn how to do this in changing my way of thinking and how I live in my day-to-day routine. It won’t be an instant thing, but I know He’ll help me to accomplish it as long as my focus stays on Him. I simply need to start by giving my day to Him each morning and then stepping into the the day He has planned for me.
~ Joanna Lynn
