The Blog

Today is Easter. It is a day to remember the new life that comes from Jesus’s death and resurrection. With that in mind, I have decided that this will also be the day I will begin posting on my blog again.

I stepped away from writing when it had gotten to a point where it was all about getting as many views as I could, having the right amount of words, the right tags and focus keywords to get the best results from search engines.I was also always trying to figure out what the best type of posts would get the best results. I was aiming to find what would please the most people and get the best results.

When I started the blog, I felt I was supposed to tell my story, but it became more and more about meeting criteria, making other people okay with what I said, and getting further away from what the blog was supposed to be. It became a mirror of how I had lived my life. I was always aware of what others thought and when they weren’t happy, especially with me. I was anxious and tiptoeing around everything I said. I never really found my way.

During the time I wrote, I was also being told how someone was twisting my words to something I never said for whatever sick purpose they were working toward. Also, I have made a point to not name names in the posts. Those who know me know who my husband was and who some of the other key players are, but for the most part, that’s as far as it goes. In that time, though, I did name one person in one post because I felt I was supposed to. I paid for that dearly. Because of the backlash, I became even more anxious of what I said as I continued writing.

Sadly, it’s how I’ve lived my life. I lived with many protection modes that governed every interaction I had. My life was never really my own. I did what I had to do to keep the peace, which could never really be kept. I had no idea what the rules were (I think mainly that was because the rules constantly changed to suit the purpose of the abuser) so I never knew what was going to set someone off. It really came down to the point that I never understood what or why the abuse was happening. After my husband died, I quickly found counselors for the boys and myself. I have continued going to mine, but I feel like I’m stuck. I know seeing her for much of the time was necessary, mainly because abuse was still such a huge part of my life. But counseling has always been such a foreign thing to me. I lived my life constantly trying to keep the focus on everyone else. Counseling was completely about me and my “feelings” and thoughts. I come to understand that I can’t identify how I feel until I understand what and, to a point, why it all happened.

Something has to change. I’m tired of me. I hate to hear my voice. I pretty much just don’t like myself because of all the inward focus that counseling has made me do. I was constantly being asked what I was feeling and it frustrated me so much. I needed to step away, to stop talking, and to really study what happened.

So I did just that – I stepped away from counseling. I don’t go back to see her until July 10th. There is some relief to not have to hear my voice. I also have some major anxiety about what is coming in all the research, but there is some hope. And while I no longer want to talk about myself, as I’ve prayed, I believe I am supposed to write about the journey. I feel I’m supposed to reclaim the blog for what it was supposed to do. It is about rising from the ashes of abuse and finding the peace and freedom from the all the hatefulness spewed out in abuse as well as gaining understanding and direction God has for the future. I know in the beginning of the blog I had quite a few people tell me that they felt like I was writing their story and it helped them a lot. I’m sorry I allowed myself to be quieted and distracted from the purpose of the blog.

I hope you will come along for the ride and find hope and future right along with me. I’d love to have your company.

~ Joanna Lynn