No matter what, under no circumstances, without question, if someone commits suicide, you are not at fault. It doesn’t matter if something horrible happened, you were in a fight, you said something to them, or any other myriad of things that might have happened – you did not cause them to commit suicide. People say and do stupid things all the time. The Netflix show, 13 Reasons Why (*), is an entire series that states that the way others treated the character, Hannah Baker, was the reason for her committing suicide. It just isn’t true. Only if you are holding a gun to their head until they commit suicide are you at fault.
How We Are Treated and How We Respond
There are people who are out and out mean and they bully people mercilessly. Others treat people like they are less than them and don’t deserve the time of day. There are still others who become trolls online and even go to the point of telling someone that they have no reason to be on earth and should kill themselves. The list goes on and on and while these things are despicable and should never happen, even then, they are not responsible for someone else committing suicide.
If 13 Reasons Why teaches anything positive, it’s that treating others with anything other than care, love, compassion and value can be very damaging. It can forever change a person’s view of themselves. But even still, it is up to the person to decide what to do with what happened. The most important part of any situation is how we respond to it. We can allow it to twist and transform us into someone we don’t even recognize, we can let it beat us down and destroy us, or we can choose to allow it to make us stronger by building our character to be stronger and the person we truly want to be. We can use the way it makes us feel to help others in the same situation or it can help us speak out against horrible treatment when we see others suffering in the same poor way. We can also realize that the person speaking to us in such a horrible way is the one that really has the problem and it doesn’t indicate anything about us at all. It simply means this person has chosen to make it a way of life to try to make others feel less about themselves for whatever awful gain they feel they can get.
You Are Not Responsible – No Matter What Anyone Says
Treating people like they are less than the wonderful creation they were meant to be is wrong, but it happens sometimes. We are all imperfect and make mistakes. It is, in fact, a mistake when it happens occasionally, but to imply that this mistake made someone commit suicide is wrong – on every count. I remember my husband’s first attempt to kill himself. He made it look like it was a robbery gone wrong. He didn’t tell me it was a suicide attempt until a year-and-a-half later. I knew his story didn’t add up to an attack during a robbery attempt, but I never considered it to be an attempt on his life. Soon after he told me, we sat down with another couple to tell them. I was shocked when one of them immediately looked at me when my husband stopped speaking and asked, “Did you know?” I stared at them with disbelief and asked, “Do you mean did I know he was going to commit suicide and not do anything to stop him?” The person simply stared at me with no inflection in their voice and said, “Yeah…”.
The implication of what this person was saying was atrocious. It astounds me that I ever thought they loved me, but it blew my mind to realize they actually thought I could know my husband was going to commit suicide and do nothing to stop him! This implication haunted me for so long and, when my husband was actually successful at his attempt, it aided in my wondering if I was in some way responsible. I wasn’t. I was angry and hurt at the infidelity I had just discovered and I know I said some things in anger, but I didn’t make him kill himself.
13 Reasons Why
In 13 Reasons Why, Hannah Baker made the decision to end her life after all that had happened to her instead of seeking help. That was completely her decision, as it is for every other person who both attempts and succeeds at suicide. Yes, terrible things happened to her, but others in the show also had horrible things happen to them as well. One other student attempted suicide and didn’t succeed while all the others did not. It was Hannah’s choice and her choice alone. Did people treat her badly and even criminally? Yes. Those things added to the way she felt, but they did NOT cause her to ultimately die.
Let me say it again. No matter what, under no circumstances, without question, if someone commits suicide, you are not at fault. It doesn’t matter if the person has 13 reasons why they did it and attached each reason to different people. You are not to blame for someone committing suicide. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Suicide is awful and it’s victims are not just those it kills. Those left behind are also victimized with questions about what they could have done to stop the person from killing themselves. It is natural to have these feelings, but if you struggle with guilt or shame and can’t get past it, seek help as soon as possible. I can speak from experience that the burden is heavy and it can take you down a very bad path if you allow it to take hold. Talking it over in a safe place with a qualified counselor can make all the difference in the world.
~ Joanna Lynn
* I am in no way recommending this show. It’s basis is completely backwards. I’m not sure there is any piece of dialogue that is not riddled with profanity, the F word being their favorite. The show is also filled with sex, drugs and reprehensible acts done to others. I felt I was supposed to watch the first season, but didn’t understand why until I watched it. I was holding on to some blame of my husband’s choice to commit suicide and this show proved to me it wasn’t my fault. It was completely and fully his choice to end his life for a myriad of reasons, some of which I will never know.
