OK, this is going to sound so stupid to most people reading this, but to me it was a lightbulb moment. I’m kind of embarrassed to write about it, but it’s important. I’ll go ahead and say what you’ll probably be thinking: “No, duh!”, “Really, Joanna?”, and “This is what has been holding you back?”. With those things said, I’ll tell you what I’m talking about.
(Deep breath)
Lightbulb Moment
When I was at my counselor’s a few weeks ago, we were talking about interactions I have had with my abusers and how they made me view myself. I told her how confused I was after all the years of their twisting things I said and did. It made me question everything about myself and I wondered if I was as horrible as they said I was. I told her I had no idea who I was and never had.
She just looked at me for a few seconds and said, “Be the person you want to be.”
That’s it. Lightbulb moment.
(Sigh – I’ll give you a moment to think about that)
I feel so ridiculous reading it back now, but let me try to explain. Being told, sometimes multiple times in a day, that you are stupid, not a good friend, selfish, unfriendly, trying to start problems, and so on, keeps you busy trying to wrap your mind around what they said and wondering if it could be true. When it happens over a period of years, or a lifetime, it becomes normal to question your sanity and come to a point where you accept that what they said must be true, especially if there is more than one person saying it to you. For me, there was a grudging acceptance of what I’d been told.
That simple statement sounds like it should be common sense, but I think it comes down to my not being able to come to terms with the grand scope of the abuse until I got out of it. I have finally done that, for the most part.
Sifting Through the Past
I’ve come to understand, too, that after I sifted through the past that I needed to go through the stages of grief for what life was and what it could and should have been. There has been way too much. It seemed that the more I sifted, more and more was dredged out.
It took a long time and a lot of work to get to this point. My nightmares show me there is more of that work to be done, but I now see that I was so busy trying to get through the crap that it was hard to move forward. I’m sure others have said similar things to me, but I was still too busy sifting and trying to climb out of the pit to be able to hear it.
So here I am with my lightbulb moment shining and no idea what it will illuminate, but I see something that I haven’t fully experienced in my life. I never could even grasp the fullness of what it meant, but I’m starting to feel it coming to the surface.
It is hope.
~ Joanna Lynn
