There are so many feelings, events, thoughts and abuse that come at me in my dreams, but I’d have to say one of the biggest themes is rejection. It’s taken me a long time to confidently label this feeling because I always thought of rejection as blatantly rejecting someone. But I understand now that rejection comes in many forms – walking away (with or without explanation), pretending the person is not there, passive-aggressive comments, infidelity, not listening and probably more .
Blatant Rejection
Blatant rejection is terribly hard. When someone says they don’t want to be around you anymore, there is no doubt that they have rejected you. It hurts and whatever has been said begins looping in your mind. You either go into soul-searching, anger or sadness or a little of all of them. The break becomes even harder because there will be no restitution or full understanding of what happened because the other person is no longer there to talk it through.
When you don’t know someone at all or well, the rejection isn’t soul crushing. It stings, but your life isn’t altered too much by it. However, rejection, in any form, by someone who claims to love you and/or is a regular part of your life is another story.
Unwanted
When someone doesn’t want you to be around but you have to be there anyway (like in a family situation), they get angry seemingly out of nowhere. This happens because they don’t care about you and, therefore, don’t care what you think or how you feel. There were so many times when I would be talking with someone about seemingly nothing in particular and they would blow up and come at me with the most hateful comments. As I write this, I can still physically feel the response I had when it happened. It was like an explosion out of nowhere where I was left disconcerted and trying to figure out what happened. Most of the time, I never figured it out.
Constantly Challenged
Then there were times when no matter what was said, I was challenged or dismissed because ________ (insert whatever reason – from being stupid, ridiculous or worthless). This is hard. It made me question my sanity and intelligence when I was constantly fighting to make myself understood. It took me to the point of believing I have nothing of value to offer in a conversation. This then morphed into my believing I have nothing of value to offer period. This is where the blog is so important for me to find my voice but at the same time it is like a war with my thoughts.
Invisible
Everyone wants to be needed and have something of value to offer, but most of all they desire to be loved, accepted and wanted. This brings me to the aspect of rejection I understood – when someone acts like they don’t even see you, even when you’re standing right beside them. You don’t exist to them. (My stomach hurts as I’m writing this now.) To have your very existence ignored creates an almost twilight zone feeling. You feel the rejection and then you question why it happened. It happens sometimes because the other person is focused on something else or lost in thought. But when it becomes normal, your value comes into question and the loneliness is overwhelming.
How to Process
I honestly don’t know how to process everything. Rejection has been a consistent factor throughout my life and the key players in it were the ones doing the majority of the rejection. It fed into all the abuse saying I was unlikable, not a good person, stupid, a terrible friend and of no value. It has shaped me and influenced the way I approach and interact with people. I wish it didn’t, but I know it has and still does.
I am almost removed when I meet new people. It often happens without my realizing it. Also, if I’ve been around someone over a period of time and I feel they really don’t like me, I will keep my distance. It’s sad because there is little freedom in it. I can’t just be. I’m so overly worried about doing or saying something stupid that I can’t just relax and enjoy the other person.
It’s a heavy weight and I know why it plays such a big role in my nightmares, but I hope identifying it helps me to understand why I do what I do. I’ll consider that a step in the right direction.
~ Joanna Lynn
