Be Myself

In my last post, No Dreams, I told about, as the title says, how I have no dreams for the future. I don’t know what life holds for me and I don’t know what I want it to hold. It made me try to think back to my past and remember if I ever had dreams. I remembered that I wanted to help kids in some way. I thought about being a psychologist and even picked that as my major when I started college. But even with this being a thought I had, it was mainly my wanting to be able to bring something good out of the bad. It wasn’t a strong passion. But when I was listening to the music on my phone the other day, I remembered that I did have a dream and it was big – I have always wanted to know who I was and be free to be myself, whoever that was.

Be Myself

There have been songs I have heard that speak deeply into my heart. The most recent song I added to my iTunes is, “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman. There is such pain in these songs, but there is also so much hope, determination and, most of all, fight. All of them are focused on someone being free to be themselves; to be accepted for who they were – nothing more, nothing less. As I look at the songs that have brought out these feelings for me, I realize that I have always had a dream. I have always wanted to know who I am, what my true likes and dislikes are as well as what drives me. I’ve been told all my life who the abusers in my life saw me to be or whoever they wanted me to believe I was. I couldn’t be myself because I didn’t/don’t know who that is.

It is so confusing to say that I don’t know who I am and many may not understand or believe that could be true. But you have to understand that I have been told, accused of and blamed for things I never even thought about doing. It’s odd for me to think that even though I know I didn’t think or do so many of the things that I was accused of doing, because it was said so often by several people, I honestly question whether I am as horrible, conniving and hateful as I was led to believe my entire life. It’s kind of like brainwashing.

In the Music

I truly want to believe that I’m not who they said I was. The lyrics in these songs project the desires of my heart. So often I have played and replayed these songs and cried and cried. Here are some of the songs with a line or two of lyrics that have spoken so deeply to my heart (I am including a link to the actual songs as I write this, but my blog has a way of having links pulled on me too often, so they may not work by the time you read this.)

All I Ever Have to Be – Amy Grant:

“But I’m still hurting, wondering if I’ll ever be the one
I think I am–I think I am.”

Beautiful – MercyMe:

“Days will come when you don’t have the strength
When all you hear is you’re not worth anything”

Let Me Be Myself – Three Doors Down:

“Would you one time just let me be myself
So I can shine
With my own light.”

Place in This World – Michael W. Smith:

“Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?”

Hero – Mariah Carey:

“There’s a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don’t have to be afraid
Of what you are”

Flawless – MercyMe:

“No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless”

Never Surrender – Corey Hart:

“Cause no one can take away your right
To fight and never surrender
To never surrender”

Weak and Rebellious

There are many more, but these should give you an idea of what I’m talking about. There are so many times that I have wondered if I was just too weak of a person to fight against the lies being said about me. I always thought about what I would have said if anyone cared. I knew I was not happy, but I rarely said anything. Sometimes the rebellious part of my nature did come out when I was angry and especially if I didn’t particularly like the person who was coming after me, but when I did, I always paid for it. I guess that’s why I didn’t fight, but I wonder if I had if things would have been better. I guess I’ll never know, but I always wanted someone to give me a chance, to see me as something other than the awful person I was made out to be.

I wish I could see myself this way, too. I want to see myself as something more than what I’ve been made to believe about myself. But how do I do this? How do I come to know who I am and what I like? How do I stop the voices that have been ingrained in my brain from all the abusers? I want to be myself someday, but how?

~ Joanna Lynn