I have no dreams. This became very clear to me when I had a conversation with a friend the other day and she brought up a question she has asked before, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” When she asked it before, I’m not sure if I had an answer. When she asked it this time, I didn’t consider it when we spoke. Then, when I was reading the book I have been working through, “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse“, by Gregory L. Jantz, it asked for two lists. The second list was very similar to the question my friend asked. I realize now that it’s a question I cannot answer.
Where Do You Want to Be in Five Years?
I am in the second section of the book, which is on healing. There were questions at the end of all the chapters in the first half of the book. This section asks all these questions in similar ways one right after the other. It gives a very clear picture of the abuse. It is heartbreaking to see all that has happened, who was doing it and all the different forms the abuse took. There were many people attacking every part of who I was in many ways.
Then I came to these requested lists:
- Using one word or short phrases, write down five things you feel about yourself.
- Using one word or short phrases, write down five goals you have for yourself.
The first word that came to my mind for the first list was “adequate”. It actually was the only word that came to mind for a very long time. It seemed to fit who I believe myself to be: Adequate – as much or as good as necessary for some requirement or purpose. This went along well with the next item I listed: Figures most things out eventually. What I meant by this was that if something breaks or needs to be done, I can usually figure out how to do it and then do the work. That’s good, but is that really a big deal in the age of the internet and YouTube? Probably not.
These two items were all that would come to mind. I finally gave up and started to think about the second question. After awhile, I simply closed the book.
No Dreams
I have no dreams. I have no goals except for things I need to do and projects that need to be done like everyone has. I’m not sure what my future holds and I don’t even know what I want it to hold. I remember when I was younger, I would mention things I wanted or thought about doing. Most of the time, the response I received was that I was being selfish and thinking only of myself. On a regular basis, I was told that I couldn’t do anything well and that the only reason for me to be alive was to serve men (what was actually said was that this was the purpose for all women). Because of this, even though I ended up having a few jobs that paid well and took knowledge to do, the ongoing abuse kept me from believing I could accomplish anything of value.
No matter what I did attempt or think about doing, It was made clear that there had to be someone else, no matter the situation, that would be better suited for whatever was being done. So I settled for being in the background, helping others to achieve what they were working toward, by supporting and encouraging them. I enjoyed seeing others happy and making their mark in the world. I figured encouraging people couldn’t possibly cause anyone to get angry, so it seemed like a pretty safe thing that I could do. I was wrong, of course, but it still brought less wrath my way and it was something I could do.
What Is Your Purpose?
Other than this, I don’t know where I belong or what I should be doing. I’ve tried a few things that interested me, but nothing ever comes easy or works out in the end. I’ve always seen this as proof that I really couldn’t do anything and that all these people were right about me after all. I don’t know how to dream. If I try, I quickly stop myself because I feel like I’m being selfish. But is it really wrong to want something for your life? Is it selfish to dream? To be honest, I don’t know anymore, at least where I am concerned, but I will fight to the death where it concerns anyone else. I know God has a plan and a purpose for everyone, I’m just not sure what purpose I am to fulfill.
I have prayed about this so often and I just don’t hear anything. Maybe part of the problem is that I’ve convinced myself that I am God’s example of mediocrity (which I just looked up means “barely adequate” – that seems appropriate). It’s a place where I found I fit. This is how I could keep believing that God did have a purpose for me.
I don’t know how to pray for myself anymore. I don’t know what to ask for or even what I want. Does it even matter what I want? I have decided that I will pray the Scriptures where I am concerned. That way I will know I am praying in His will. I don’t know if that will give me any answers about my future, but I know it will be honoring to Him.
~ Joanna Lynn
Your post really resonated with me. After the end of a long-term abusive marriage, I felt overwhelmed by advice that I had to go find myself or go do the great things I was meant to do. Maybe the advice was meant well, but it didn’t help me. I started thinking about how I wanted to be instead of what I wanted to do. I think you’re on the same track by coming up with the word “adequate”. I think that’s a beautiful dream, because when you embrace being adequate, you also cultivate a sense of contentment, satisfaction with yourself, peace, integrity. A wise friend advised me that “ambition is overrated.” I think of that every time I feel inclined to dance for others to prove my relevance. The honesty and strength in your posts are clear. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
I’m so glad that it helped. This is why I write. I know I’m not the only one who has lived with abuse and I know it would help me to have not felt alone during it all as well as while I’m trying to work through everything and come out the other side.