Feeling Alone

Being alone and feeling alone are entirely different things. Being alone is when no one else is around. Feeling alone is when you feel like no one wants to be around. The effects of each are like night and day.

Being Alone

Being alone is when you have no one there with you. It is only you. Being alone, at least some of the time, is good for everyone. I don’t know anyone who wants to have someone with them in the bathroom (ask any mother of toddlers – a lock on the bathroom is a must!). So there’s privacy plusses for being alone, but it also allows time for reflection, rest, Bible study, prayer and, for introverts, it’s the way we recharge. Being around people all the time is draining for us. Another good difference is that being alone can be changed by going out and being with people, being with friends and family, and doing any multitude of things together.

Feeling alone is when you feel there is no one there for you. It’s when you feel somewhat like you’ve wrecked on an island and no one has a clue what you’re dealing with and the pain you are experiencing. Feeling alone also usually brings thoughts of not being wanted, like you’re a bother and don’t know why anyone would want to be with you anyway. Everyone experiences feeling alone at some point in their lives as well. Unfortunately, emotional abuse cultivates its target to feel alone. It’s a huge part of the abuser’s end game. The more their target feels alone, the less likely they will reach out to anyone, seek to get away or fight them.

Feeling Alone

Feeling alone can happen even when you’re in a room full of people. You’re with everyone, but you feel like no one really wants you there, even if you know it’s not true. I’ve tried to come up with ways to explain the mentality behind feeling this way and I can’t. For me, it came from all the negative comments made by my abusers. I also became very comfortable with shutting down at a very young age. It was a way of dealing with life that helped to not prolong the abusive episodes. My shutting down didn’t make anyone angrier. They were happy to keep me from talking, but I was constantly running negative thoughts through my mind. I’d been told that I was not a good person, that no one liked me and that I would never amount to anything. And I believed it. Unfortunately, it’s the way I viewed all of my interactions with people no matter how hard I tried not to do so.

I’ve struggled much more with feeling alone lately. It’s difficult because I’m struggling with some things, but since I’m not talking about the rough times much anymore, I have no one to talk to. It’s completely on me that this is the way it is, but it seems like a fair trade for me. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever go back to sharing much about the hurt and my thoughts. It just doesn’t feel right. I no longer feel like I’m burdening those around me. I feel like I’m better for them if I deal with the past on my own. They seem to feel more free to talk to me and I can forget what I’m feeling at any moment. It’s worth it for me, but it does leave me with the problem,of figuring out how to work through the thoughts and feelings in my head.

Finding Outlets

I’ll start going to my counselor again soon and that will be an outlet. I keep writing about it, too. I feel I’m supposed to keep writing. It does help me work through my thoughts and I hope it helps someone else struggling with the same things. I used to fight writing about my life because I was worried my abusers would read it and then I worried about what my friends would think. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore because most of my friends don’t read my blog regularly. Life is too busy and it’s just the way it is. I’ve also learned that I can’t let my abusers control my actions anymore.

I am also fortunate that I know I am never really alone. I talk to God all the time. I pray my way through the attacks of feeling alone and talk to Him about the negative feelings and comments that are coming at me. I have no idea how I would have made it without a relationship with Him.

Over time I’ve learned the difference between being alone and feeling alone. I love the times when I’m able to be alone (because those times are rare at this point in my life), but I also know I struggle with feeling alone when I don’t socialize with anyone for too long of a time. Feeling alone is something that must be dealt with or it can tear you apart.

~ Joanna Lynn