I have been working through a book, “Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse” by Gregory L. Jantz, PhD. When I was reading the other night, it came to mind all the times that people told me that I needed to reconcile with my abusers.They weren’t kind in the approach and would tell me any number of reasons why I was wrong in what I was doing. In their opinion, from what they said, people should always reconcile with each other no matter the reason for walking away. It was awful. It was said to me all the time. I felt so alone, beat up and unloved during those times.
Is Anyone Listening?
The people who said this to me came at me often. I was told anything from their opinions that I was being nasty to I wasn’t a very good Christian. There are many problems with this form of attack. First and foremost is that there was a very valid reason for my walking away. I had to get away from the abuse. I had endured a lifetime of it and I couldn’t take it anymore. I never knew when it was going to come and I couldn’t heal or forgive those involved as long as I was putting myself in the line of fire. That information wasn’t considered, though. I tried to tell them, but they didn’t want to hear it. They didn’t care. To them, I was the problem…period. And I didn’t matter. They weren’t interested in what was happening or how I felt.
Recently I’ve come to see my past and abuse more clearly through my studies, work and prayers. I see now that, for some, my abusers actually were much more important than me. For others, they were only thinking selfishly because my walking away meant traditions and gatherings would be different from how they had always been. It would inconvenience them. And the rest…I honestly don’t think they understood what they were telling me. Let me explain.
Physical, Sexual and Emotional Abuse
Physical and sexual abuse both leave visible marks and scars. It can be proved that it happened. It is important to note that emotional abuse always accompanies physical and sexual abuse because it is how the abusers keep their targets in line with what they want. Usually when people discover someone has been physically or sexually abused, there is a push for the target to get away from their abuser. There are protections offered and places to go to escape. Those who are only emotionally abused don’t generally have the immediate support and push to get away from their abuser. Emotional abuse is something many people don’t even consider.
In the book I referenced earlier, Dr. Jantz begins with a story about a young man that committed suicide after a lifetime of emotional abuse. He perfectly described the way emotional abuse is overlooked and even downplayed in the following paragraph: “When news of his death became known, everyone agreed it was a terrible tragedy. But then they all remembered, shaking their heads, that he had tried it once before. He always had been a messed-up kid. David’s inability to cope with life was attributed to some tragic defect in his personality. No one ever stopped to consider that David had been abused all his life. He had never been beaten or molested, but David died of abuse – emotional abuse. Leaving no marks, it still left him dead.”
The Tom Hanks Effect
Emotional abuse is brutal and it honestly leaves the abused feeling like they must be losing their minds. They are blamed for things they didn’t do, had never and would never consider and it’s done in such a way that they are left wondering if maybe they truly were at fault. The best way I can describe the way it feels is to describe when I was watching a Graham Norton interview with Tom Hanks. Tom was telling Graham that when he meets people he is going to portray in a movie he tells them: “I am you. Now I am going to do things you never did, say things you never said and go places you never went. But I am you.”
Imagine what it would feel like watching that movie about you. You would recognize yourself but be very disconcerted when you saw how you were represented in ways you never would have dreamed. That is pretty much what it feels like with emotional abuse. You are left wondering what in the world just happened and how had those conclusions about you been made. There were times I was accused of being at fault for a few things where I wasn’t even present when the event happened. When I told the accuser this, it didn’t matter. I still ended up being completely to blame. On a few of those occasions, I actually walked away wondering if I really had done something to cause it to happen. It’s insanity and I was at a breaking point.
By telling me I needed to reconcile with my abusers, these people were, in essence, saying that I needed to keep placing myself in situations where the abuse would most likely continue. My abusers have never admitted any wrongdoing and have given no inclination of changing, but that was never even considered a problem for those coming at me. What made it worse was that no matter what I said, I was wrong. All that seemed to matter to them is that I made everything go back to how it had always been.
But I can’t go back. Unfortunately, I have lost more people because of this, but I guess that’s just the way it has to be. I can’t handle the abuse anymore and that includes the constant shaming because I walked away.
The other part that was so hard was when the people said that walking away from certain relationships put my Christianity into question. Whether they understood it or not, in my mind, they were saying that God didn’t care about abuse and that all that was important to Him was to keep people together. It’s simply not true. I would like to present another view.
God loves all of us and He has a purpose and plans for everyone. Abusers seek to destroy a person by telling them they are worthless and can do nothing right. They tear apart the very being of their target. The abusers are working directly against what God wants for us. The more they say, the harder it is for the abused to hear God’s voice and it is almost impossible for them to understand why He would even want to use them for anything. They don’t feel whole because all the abuse has pulled them to pieces. The abused becomes convinced that they can do nothing of value, so the idea that God could use them in any way cannot even be considered. The voices that constantly scream at them make it so hard to hear the still small voice of God.
I wonder if I had been physically abused if people would have still told me that I needed to reconcile with my abusers and that I wasn’t being a good Christian. I would hope not. I hope they would have wanted to protect me. Maybe they would have wanted to be a safe harbor for me. But because I was “simply” emotionally abused, it didn’t really matter. It wasn’t like I was being beaten or that my life was in danger. But they were wrong. Someone going back to an emotionally abusive relationship when there is no desire to change on the abuser’s part is like throwing a physically abused person back in with their abuser. There will be more injuries and they will definitely leave scars.
~ Joanna Lynn
