Freedom is defined as the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved. Guilt is defined as a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined. Guilt is a common feeling of survivors of suicide. It is an unearned guilt and it can be suffocating. I have suffered many hours thinking about what I could have done to keep my husband from committing suicide as well as wondering if something I said or did made him actually decide to kill himself. Over the holidays, I finally found relief and the freedom from guilt that I’ve so long wanted to find.
Fighting the Guilt
I have fought the feelings of guilt for as long as I can remember for things my abusers blamed me for doing, saying or being the cause of, most of which weren’t true at all. All of those times were hard in most cases, except for the ones that were clearly something thrown out in anger that made absolutely no sense at all and in no way could I be at fault for doing. But the feelings of guilt over my husband’s suicide have been brutal and came to the surface often, especially in the first few years after his death.
I’d prayed often about the thoughts of guilt that I had and I grieved over the possibilities of what could have been and how I could have done things differently. Grief combined with guilt can be overwhelming and something that blinds you from being able to see your way out of it. Fortunately, though, since I am starting a path through the rough times in my life to find redemption in them, I saw the guilt in a new way.
He Is No Longer Here
As I thought about the pain and confusion that the guilt brought to my life, I decided I needed to look beyond the emotions that confused and skewed the way I saw the actual events of the time before and since my husband’s suicide. It was then that I was able to see that because he is no longer here, he isn’t thinking of how his life could have been different without me or that it was because of me his life was over. He doesn’t hold anything against me. And, because I choose to believe he is in heaven, I know his focus is no longer even on the life he had here. It is on Jesus. He sees things clearly for what they really were instead of through all the sins and choices he made that confused and controlled so much of his life.
He doesn’t hold me accountable for anything. According to his suicide letter, he never did. He stated that I was not at fault for the choice he made to end his life, but the horrible gift of suicide, guilt, told me the exact opposite instead. However, if he is freed from any thoughts of blame or accusation, why am I still holding onto them with whatever I may or may not have done?
Freedom From Guilt
What an amazing thought. I had been so stuck on what could have been and if I could have saved or stopped him from taking his life that I couldn’t think clearly about the here and now. This changes everything. I prayed about this and thought about it for some time and I was finally freed. I am free from the guilt placed on me by the circumstances of his death and I can move forward in my search to find redemption in my past without the false accusations blinding me to the future – my future.
If you are holding onto guilt from the death of a loved one by suicide, this is something from which you can also find freedom. It’s not your fault. Even if you said or did something that suggested you wished they were no longer here or anything of that nature, it’s not your fault. They made the choice. I’ve been told by someone that they wished I had died instead of my husband, but that didn’t make me then decide to grant their wish. I found my way out of the hurt, for the most part, and moved forward. I thought of the statement made quite often, I won’t lie, but I also saw the hurt and anger held by the person who said it. It wasn’t their real wish, they were just upset and didn’t think about what they were saying. They wanted to strike out and wound because they were wounded. What they said didn’t cause me to do or not do anything. It was said and we worked through it.
Don’t hold yourself hostage to the guilt and thoughts you hold in any situation. Work through it, find healing and purpose from it and move forward into the life ahead of you instead of anchoring yourself to the pain guilt brings.
~ Joanna Lynn
