Welcome to the year 2019! As I write this it is Day One of the new year and, as Matthew West says, day one of the rest of my life. I was given a great gift this Christmas season in finally realizing that all the bad in my life had to have some good to it as well. I realized, for the most part, that I was alive for a reason that wasn’t just to be someone else’s way to feel better about themself, but I also realized that I’ve never looked back on the rough times in my life to find the good in them. That ends this year.
A Fresh Start
I don’t know why the beginning of a new year always feels like a fresh start to me. It’s really nothing more than any other day in life, but there’s something attractive in the idea of a new year, a new start, a new way to walk through life and I want to make a change in how I view my past and move forward in living my life.
Last year I started “talking back” to things I read and things I had written in my journals. There was/is something very cathartic in it. It is definitely empowering. I continue to talk back, but I am starting to realize that where it has freed me in some places it has also bound me up in anger, resentment and dismay in other areas. That’s not a good trade-off. I know I need to keep talking back in some ways, but I also need to do something else.
New Therapy
My counselor is wanting me to start going to a new therapy called Brainspotting. It’s similar to EMDR, which I have tried before. Go to the links if you want to fully understand the therapies, but, basically, they both deal with how the positioning of your eyes coincide with the the points in your brain where you hold trauma. Supposedly, by hitting the exact point in your brain, you can then process the trauma and alleviate the hold it has on you.
From day one of seeking help for the trauma in my life, I have wished to fully alleviate the pain and its hold on my life. However, I don’t want to do it this way. EMDR did NOT work for me and was not a good fit for the way I process pain. The bigger issue, though, is that I don’t want to start all over again with a new counselor. Even if my counselor talks to the new therapist and sends notes, I would have to start all over with their therapy. I don’t want to do this and I don’t want to go deeply into those places again with someone new. I’m tired of living in the pain.
Day One
Even though the nightmares are still happening every night, I believe it is time to take a different approach without living in only the memory of the pain. I believe it’s time to find redemption in the past. This is my Day One. I believe it’s time for me to find the purpose behind the pain. After understanding that even the hard times hold hope and positives, I no longer want to forget the rough times that happened or to be completely upset that this has been such a huge part of my life. I need to find redemption in the past and the pain.
Even though I know those who brought the pain weren’t doing it for any good reason, God wants it to be used for good. I want the rough times to serve a purpose, even if it’s not for my benefit. In fact, there is something beautiful in the idea that my pain can help someone else in some way to either not feel alone or to realize what was said or done to them doesn’t have to be the defining moment in their lives. They made it through it all and have come out the other side to use it for good as well.
Into each of our lives, pain is allowed, but we are never left alone to survive it by ourselves. Jesus promised to always be with us no matter what was happening and that all things would be worked for good for those who love Him. Unfortunately, we live in a sinful world. Adam and Eve chose the lie over life and walking intimately with God. Because of this, there is pain, sorrow and trauma in our lives. God could keep it all from happening, but then He would also be taking away the free will He gave each of us. We would be more like robots than people. Instead, even though He is in total control, He does allow both the good and the bad, but we never have to go it alone. We just need to remember to look to God for help in revealing the good and redemption in all the areas of our lives.
This is my plan for the new year. What is yours?
~ Joanna Lynn
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