I love Christmas! I love pretty much everything about it. Decorating the house and yard as well as watching Christmas shows, going to special Christmas outings and listening to Christmas music makes me smile. Unfortunately, I’m the only one in my house that likes it. Don’t get me wrong, my kids like the getting presents part of it, but that’s about it. I always tried to make decorating special and hoped my kids would come to love it, too, but that never happened. I start decorating during Thanksgiving break and make it fun for the boys. However, it usually ended up being forced and some sort of argument (or ten) would start. It always made me sad. This year, while my boys are out of town, I decided that I was going to start letting go and try to start doing all the things I love to do for Christmas on my own.
My Love for Christmas
I love that Christmas is the celebration of the earthly birth of my Lord and Savior, Jesus. However, I also enjoy Santa Claus, the Christmas shows (Rudolph is my absolute favorite), cookies and milk, Christmas light displays and so much more. I never lost that childlike wonder of it all. With that comes the enjoyment of decorating my home. You’ll never see it in on Christmas Light Fight or anything like that; that would send me over the edge trying to go to that degree, but my decorations aren’t sparse.
I finished decorating the outside of my house today and I really like the way it looks. After I was done I got some hot chocolate. It was nice, but I realized that I’m really sad about it and feel alone. My husband progressively disliked Christmas as his addictions and bad choices got worse and began to take over his life, but, still, I loved it. There was no letting go of all things Christmas for me and yet I’m at a point in my life where I’m becoming more and more about letting go and finding that there is both freedom in it an, in come cases, a feeling of loneliness.
Letting Go and Finding Freedom
I’m letting go of things in my house, which is opening up room and making the house more comfortable. I’m letting go of trying to have others be a part of Christmas celebrations and decorating, which is giving me the freedom to do things like I enjoy and not worrying about someone else enjoying it or not, but holidays still make me think of sharing them with others so it makes me sad. I’m learning to let go of everything I believed or was told I was, which is helping me to find who I really am and giving me the opportunity to live life on my terms and follow where God leads me, but I feel very much like I am in this life on my own and like there is no one to share it with.
I miss having a significant other at the same time that I seriously wonder if I’d ever be able to trust someone to that degree again. There are so many times when I feel alone and wish there was someone to talk to and do things with, someone to love me and enjoy my company, laugh with and go on dates. The truth is, though, that I’ve never really had this type of relationship. What I had was a cover story for my husband to live the life he wanted. But I still wish for it sometimes. This is yet another thing I need to start letting go. I’m guessing freedom will come with doing that as well.
So, this Christmas I am taking another step in letting go. There is definitely not the sick feeling in my stomach wondering how my family will respond to my asking them to decorate with me. I’m hoping the feelings of loneliness will go away eventually, but even if they don’t, I’m still excited about the season and look forward to all the magic it holds for my childlike heart.
~ Joanna Lynn
