His Birthday

Today is his birthday. Today, July 30, 2018, my husband would have been 50 years old. That’s quite a milestone that he never met, along with so many others. Instead, he chose to die at 41. He decided he didn’t want to face the consequences that were coming from the choices he had made through his life. I wonder if he realized that he was also choosing not to be there for all the good things he did, too. I wonder if it even crossed his mind of all the things he would miss.

All He Would Miss

He would never:

• See his sons grow up into young men.
• See his oldest graduate high school.
• Experience the first year he attended college at University of Evansville.
• Go on wonderfully fun trips with his family.
• See his oldest niece having her first baby.
• All the hours of laughter with his family, being sarcastic and cracking jokes.
• His sons actually working together to come up ways to trick their parents.
• His youngest going through the years in Scouts, where he had always wanted him to become an Eagle Scout.
• All the Christmases and holidays planning special times together.
• Actually seeing all the Star Wars movies, especially with his oldest who is an avid fan.
• Working to overcome the consequences of his choices and seeing that life is actually beautiful and worth the struggle to keep living.
• Seeing firsthand that Jesus can bring you through anything and even make you stronger through it all.
• Being able to tell others of the choices he made and that even though it was hard, life was always the right choice.
• Becoming a true and faithful husband and father and realizing that life was so much more fulfilling and joyful than anything else he had chosen instead of his family.

On His Birthday

On his birthday, I think of these things he chose to miss and so much more. It makes me sad for him, for his boys…and even for us. His family loved him and wanted him in our lives. He wanted something else, though. I’m not sure if he knew what he thought he wanted, or who he wanted, but I know he never found it in his bad choices. From what his suicide notes stated, he realized, sadly at the very end, that he had what he had always wanted all along, but it wasn’t enough for him to fight to keep. Instead, he could only see the consequences he would have to face and not all he could gain. And there was so much.

I hurt for him while also feeling anger, frustration and the knowledge that I was unloved. I’m not sure if he even knew how to love because he hated himself so much. I hold on to the hope that he is now celebrating his birthday in the very presence of Love and walking with Jesus.

~ Joanna Lynn