Recently, I started a fire in our burning pit in the backyard. I started it so that one of my boys could purge himself of some letters and gifts that had been given to him from a former girlfriend who had hurt him quite a bit. It was a really healthy thing for him to do and I was glad to make the fire for him. While he was throwing things in the fire, he came to a couple cards that Scott had given me and asked if I wanted to do some burning of my own.
I took the cards and started to read them. Both of them had been written after he had done something that was very painful. You would think they would be apologetic and that he would be trying to find out how to make things better, but that isn’t how they read. Instead, in each, he made comments acknowledging what he had done, that he was sure it hurt me and made me not trust him, but instead of telling me how he was going to work to make things right or to not do the same thing again to hurt me, he told me how my being apathetic toward him hurt him. He said he wanted us to go back to where things were good and I trusted him and shared everything with him. In essence, he made me feel guilty for being hurt and not being the loving, excited person I was with him before he hurt me.
I remember these cards and the timeframe they were written in. They weren’t written months after the event happened where it would seem like I was holding a grudge and being vindictive. These were both written within a week or two of the event (and they were not small events).
It was a huge eyeopener for me. I was able to understand why I’ve always had problems fully feeling and expressing whatever hurt or pain I had experienced. I know that is normal for abusive relationships, but it’s not right. I not only have every right to feel whatever way I feel, but it’s healthy. I’m so confused with how I’m supposed to respond to things because I’ve always had to think each emotion through to try to respond the way that would bring the least amount of “punishment”.
In one way, I’m happy that I don’t just respond with emotion whenever I feel a certain way. That is how abuse happens, it pushes people away and hurts them. I usually simply stop talking and walk away when something happens. I would push the feelings away and that’s where they’d stay, locked in the back of my mind only to creep out in my dreams and when something made me feel the same way again. I don’t want it to be like that anymore. I want to be fully present with people, but it’s hard to do when I’m fumbling back and forth about how to respond. I’m slowly learning.
I’m also still learning and thinking through dealing with abusive people. I’ve found that the best thing really is to walk away and refuse to engage with them. They really hate that and will try engaging in progressively hurtful ways to get you back into the discussion, but don’t do it. If they have any sense of caring in them, they will eventually leave and come back at another time ready to speak calmly. If they don’t, walk away. There is nothing good that can happen in a relationship where abuse will never stop.
In an effort of being completely real, I will be honest in saying that after I read the second card, I said, “What a jackass” and threw both cards into the fire. It was healthy (maybe not the language, but it was what came to mind) because I wasn’t hanging on and holding it in my heart. But it also made me sad that this was the emotion attached to the man I had loved. After someone’s death, you want to think fondly of them (his exact words in his suicide letter of how he hoped, in time, we would remember him), but that’s just not reality, unfortunately.
~ Joanna Lynn
