After writing my last post, I quickly became very sad. My mind went down so many trails it has traveled before. I was left feeling empty and unlovable. I understood more why I have struggled to put myself out there, to love or be friends with anyone and why I never saw myself as someone others would want to befriend. I had been trained to believe I had nothing to offer and there was nothing I could do on my own…to the point I couldn’t be trusted to do much without clear direction from someone else and supervision.
When I wrote the post, I got angry and it was reflected in what I said. I’ve changed it a bit, though, to reflect the actual feelings I am having. I have never felt like a good person. I don’t feel like a likable person. I don’t feel like there is anything I add to the world that someone else couldn’t do better. These are the feelings I’m left with when I talk about my engagement and when I think of the person I promised to love for the rest of my life…and too many others.
These terrible thoughts in my mind have actual voices and faces of those who should have been lifting me up and defending me from the very words coming out of their mouths. But it never happened. In their eyes, I wasn’t worth the breath or the effort to defend or protect. I was much more suited to bear the blame, the hatred, the anger and all those words – so, so many words.
Words are powerful. Words can build and lift others up, but they can also slash, strangle and destroy even more easily. Love is life-giving and beautiful, but it is also extremely difficult to show and give to someone else. You have to learn to love well and then practice it often.
I had a meeting with my life insurance agent today. Scott had worked with him for about a year, so the agent was familiar with him to a point and knew some of our story. We hadn’t spoken to each other in years, so he asked me some questions. I paused and prayed and decided to be honest without sharing too much. After the discussion, he said, ‘”Scott” must have loved you to buy the insurance he did and then name you the beneficiary.’ Those words cut because it should have been true. I couldn’t speak for a few seconds. Then I told him that appearances meant a lot to Scott and it wouldn’t have looked good for him to leave his family with nothing, especially since it had been his plan for years to end his life in suicide. I told the agent that I didn’t think Scott knew how to love, but he liked me sometimes and we laughed a lot, so that evidently meant something.
I often wonder if I know how to love in a human way. I know and feel God’s love and I know that it is unconditional and eternal, but I’m not sure I have a real grip on how to love fully in the human form of His love. Scott told me often that I wasn’t a good friend to others among other similar comments about how I was lacking in other relationships. I struggle so much with wanting to be a good friend to others while also being hesitant to let them in at the same time. In the back of my mind I wonder when they will come to see me for who I really am, as Scott described me so often, and they would walk away.
I don’t want to feel this way, to hurt so deeply. I feel like my heart is being crushed. There is too much turmoil in my thoughts over something as beautiful as friendship and love. Those concepts have been twisted and I have been found lacking in ways I can’t fully understand. I know that at least some of the words spoken weren’t true, but I don’t know which ones those were.
But there is a positive in all of this – I don’t think I’ve ever fully given voice to this deep scar in my life. I’ve never been able to name the feelings or make any sense out of any of it. I’m praying that this is a step toward healing.
~ Joanna Lynn
