Life has been beyond different these past few months for all of us. I’m usually so busy coming and going that I can’t think straight. However, during this time, there actually hasn’t been anywhere to go. Sometimes it seems like there is a ridiculous amount of time. I read a funny quote online that sums it up pretty well:
2020 is a unique leap year:
It has 29 days in February,
300 days in March,
and five years in April.
That adequately describes how it has felt. It has left more time to slow down and think. The time thinking has had its positives and its negatives. I’m going to focus on one of the positives that has come from it.
As I’ve had more time to think and pray about my thoughts, I’ve seen that I’ve lived my life with a sense of discontentment. It’s not that I always feel this way, it is more like a thought that seems to be waiting for me when I take time to consider my past and the present.
This realization troubled me because I’ve tried to live my life in the moment and take what comes as it comes. Life has been about the here and now and those who are with me. So, if that’s how I’ve lived, then why is this feeling present?
I have been trained over the years to believe that nothing is enough or right where I am concerned. This has caused me to not trust my own judgment or choices. I find myself thinking that maybe I should be where others have told me I should be. Or maybe I should be doing what others have said are more worthwhile jobs to do. Or maybe I should change who I am completely because evidently there is so much wrong with me. Maybe, just maybe, my life would be better if…
It’s a horrible way to live, but the main problem is that the tape recordings in my head of all these abusive comments are deafening sometimes. They have been so loud that I’ve largely been unable to fully hear God’s voice telling me what He wants for me. I’ve allowed the voices of those who never loved me, or even knew me, to drown out my Creator and Lover of my soul.
So during this pandemic, I’ve learned to be more quiet and listen for what He wants. As I’ve prayed, I feel God telling me He wants me to find solace in my present. He wants me to look to Him and what He says about me. He wants me to hear His voice above the other voices that replay in my head. He wants me to be content in Him in the present.
Until I come to the point where I am content with where and who I am, I will never fully be content with anything in my life. I won’t even know what it feels like to recognize it. I will also never be able to fully live out God’s plans for my life, be who He made me to be or ever clearly hear His still small voice. I have to allow His voice to be louder and have precedence over anyone or anything else.
~ Joanna Lynn
