Abuse teaches you that you are at fault for anything negative that comes your way or your abuser’s way. It’s not true, but abusers program you to believe it. The problem is that when you come to accept this as truth, you can’t really see what’s going on. You are simply taken further down the rabbit hole that is being dug for you. Abusers twist facts or make things up to keep you from seeing them clearly for who they are.
The Truth
Over my lifetime, I have been accused of so many things. I am hearing that I still am. I became so used to it and constantly was trying to figure out why I was so horrible and I got to the point that I could understand why people didn’t like me and were so mean. However, as I’ve had a chance to be away from most of the abuse, I am finally able to see fully what was and is truth. Their truth was made up of lies.
So many times times I was accused of doing or thinking things that had never entered my mind and would never if they hadn’t been said to me. Some of the things really bothered me because they were horrible. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of hours I agonized over these accusations, wondering why they would think I really thought that way or actually did them.
Their Reflection, Not Mine
I’ve come to understand it more fully now. I see that these accusations were charged against me not because they were something that I would think, say or do, but because they were things that my abusers would. Their attacks against me were more a reflection of their hearts and thoughts against me.
As I was thinking about it this week, I came to realize that many of the thoughts and beliefs I have about these people were what they taught me to believe about them. Every accusation that was hurled at me that never crossed my mind was what I came to believe about them. Every action they attributed to me that I had never done or would never do, I came to realize was something they probably had or would do. At the very least, they thought about doing.
Sad But Freeing
Hopefully I am wrong on some of those counts, but the fact that they actually believed and believe I did these things makes me pretty confident that I’m not wrong. It’s sad, but it’s also freeing. I know for a fact what I have thought and done. I also know what I’ve been accused of thinking and doing. And, most importantly, I know how they are wrong and that I am nowhere near the horrible person they have convinced themselves I am.
I am Joanna Lynn. I am not what or who I have been made to believe I am. I am a child of God that loves Jesus more than life itself. I can now learn to let go of the hurt that has accompanied all the accusations that were never really about me and see my abusers for who they have taught me they are.
And you can as well.
~ Joanna Lynn
This post spoke to me so much I had to let you know. It’s as if I could have/should have written it, but I’m not that far out in my discovery journey. I’ve been in denial for so long that I’ve been the victim of exactly what you describe that it is difficult to wrap my head around it. It’s been many years since I’ve even looked at my blog…maybe I should! Thanks for writing this!
I’m so glad it spoke to you. Definitely go back to your blog. I found when I went away from mine for a long time, my nightmares got so much worse because I just shoved everything down and didn’t think about any of it. So all of it came up in my dreams. Think about what’s been said to you and pick just one thing that you know was nothing you would ever think, say or do. You can then understand that you are definitely not that person and realize your abuser probably is. There’s freedom. It won’t solve everything. But it’s one thing you can walk away from and know you are more than what they’ve tried to convince you that you are.