When I write posts like the last one, it seems like I haven’t moved much into healing, but I know that’s not true. Just because I still have times of sadness, less than happy moments and times working through the pain, it doesn’t mean there hasn’t been healing or breakthroughs. I have many more good days than bad and I have come to terms with some of the past and walked through a lot of healing. It’s hard to walk the line between pain and healing, but the most important part is deciding where we reside or where we are seeking to reside most of the time.
Then and Now
When I have the really tough times it makes me wonder if I’ll ever be free from this pain. Then I think back to the time when I first learned of my husband’s affair with our “friend” and the days leading up to and after his suicide. It is in those moments that I realize just how far I’ve come. I remember, in the beginning, how I had to remind myself to breathe at certain moments, clinical depression had my living in somewhat of a catatonic state for two-and-a-half years (until the medicine concoction was finally correct) and I didn’t sing for five years. Things were very bleak and I often wondered if I would ever be happy again. I have been.
Living In Pain
Pain is part of life, but it’s not supposed to be where we reside. There are so many degrees of pain and so many ways of working through it, but I believe it is essential to actually work through it. Some decide that they are going to only look at the positives and they come up with mantras that help them keep to this plan. Others immerse themselves in the pain and hold on to it because it is what they know. They become comfortable in the pain (I know it sounds odd, but it happens) and they become afraid of what lies ahead for them if there is healing. In a way, they come to a point where they allow the pain to define them. Still others become intoxicated by the comfort and interaction the pain brings from the people around them.
These are just some of the ways pain can become a place where we reside and sometimes they are necessary ways of dealing with the pain, but none of them are truly living. For those who live with the mantras and positives, they aren’t working through the pain, hurt and memories that are deep inside. I lived most of my life this way trying to live by mantras as well as Scripture to not be swallowed up by the abuse to allow myself to enjoy some of my life through it all. It kept me sane.
Those who grab hold of and cling to the pain will never live life to its fullest or be able to see the beauty in life and all of its nuances. Sometimes it’s necessary to reside in the pain so you can work through it and get to the other side. This is an ongoing part of healing from longterm abuse. You have to find the truth of who you are after all the lies and hatred thrown at you by your abusers. For me, it’s been the only way I’ve been able to make my way to recovery.
Finally, those who choose to stay in the pain for the interaction and comfort ultimately lose the joy that life brings. Everyone needs comfort and for others to come up alongside them and to stand up for them. There were days and even weeks when I needed someone to just hold me and talk to me. we all long for comfort when we are hurting. We need people to come up alongside us with comforting words and love instead of trying to be strong all the time. But if we stay in this place, we will reside in pain and constantly looking for something bad in hopes of finding comfort. That’s not living.
Where We Reside
To live life completely in any of these states of being doesn’t allow you to fully live and experience all that God has for you to do. My saving grace has been my love and faith in Jesus. I honestly don’t know how I could have lived a full life with depth if I hadn’t had Him going before me, walking alongside me and, yes, sometimes carrying me through all that I endured. To believe that there was nothing in this life but this life would have destroyed me. There is so much more. I continue to search for my purpose and place in this world and life. I long to know where I fit and what work God has for me to pursue, not only for monetary purposes but, for a life of purpose. I want a life that points others to Him where they see Him through what I do and how I live.
I pray the same for each and every one of you as well.
~ Joanna Lynn
