Will It Ever Stop?

Will this day ever stop bringing pain? Can it ever be redeemed? This date on the calendar once held such happy memories for me but now only hurts. Will it ever stop?

On this day, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. Also on this day, my husband took his life. After the first, I thought we had a lifetime to build our dreams together. After the second, I knew those dreams were never based on truth.

I was led to believe that I mattered to him, that he loved me and wanted the best for me. I learned that I was merely a cover story and manipulating and upsetting me were “necessary” for him to do the things he really wanted to do.

I looked forward to our life together and hoped for a relationship built out of friendship and respect. I got the exact opposite.

I began by thinking he adored me and that he was my best friend. I ended up reading his counseling questionnaires that told how I was merely one of many, the one he treated horribly so he would feel ok to see the other, as well as do whatever else he wanted to do on a particular day.

I truly believed the promises that came with the engagement on the first day. However, I learned they were just words said as a means to whatever ends he had in mind at any given time.

Things weren’t perfect leading up to the first day; no relationship ever is. Unfortunately, it all got progressively worse with each time he chose to do something that went against our vows.

The first day was full of excitement and hope with dreams for the future. The second was full of pain, disbelief and too many questions that can never be answered. Even nine years later, the pain cuts deep.

The second day destroyed any hope the first day held. It has destroyed so much. Will it ever stop? I pray it will and it is something I long to happen.

~ Joanna Lynn